The unkind man; or, OMG, I met the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen today

I met the ugliest woman today.

I won’t divulge further details. But let’s just say…take my word for it.

This is the ugliest normal-genome woman I have ever met. She was uglier because she was not disfigured, or spawned of genetic aberration. She was ostensibly a woman of normal genetics but she was hideous. This is why she stood out. Because she was not disfigured. Because she was not afflicted with a rare or repulsive skin disease. Nope, she did not possess even a single malformed attribute that might automatically bestow the ugly title on her simply by its unwelcome presence.

There was nothing wrong with this woman other than she was ugly as sin.

I feel horrible for thinking this, for writing this, for posting this. But I am merely the messenger, the reporter of my daily affairs, good and bad, pretty and ugly, or in this case, pretty damned ugly.

She might very well have been a nice lady. I don’t know this because our acquaintance was fleeting and distracted by the adjacent social occurrences fluttering loudly in our vicinity. I hate that I am acting in such a superficial manner, but how can one possibly ignore such a glaring and disabling force of ugliness as this?

Holy cow!

If she was a midget, or had a disfiguring harelip, or a stub arm, at least I could find solace in the fact that her hideousness owed itself to an incomplete or fractured genetic unraveling, but as it is, the only thing I can assume is that her fetal development proceeded normally but just gathered its inauspicious forces to create a human organism whose face aroused such intensely nauseous sensations of such repugnance in the heart of man. This is the least I can say.

Argh. I am such an unkind man.

Elisa Lam died from…an accident


This certainly doesn’t solve anything. Nothing at all.

Elisa Lam died and the coroner can only tell us it was “accidental.”

I feel like a blew a big blank wad. Cheated.

Well I guess the lack of discernible cause of death only adds to the allure and mystery of yet another dark, sinister Los Angeles noir death.

The death of a 21-year-old Canadian tourist who was missing for weeks before being found in a water tank atop a downtown Los Angeles hotel where she had been staying has been deemed an accidental drowning.

Elisa Lam of Vancouver, British Columbia, had been missing since Jan. 31, when she stopped making daily contact with her parents, according to Los Angeles police.

Her whereabouts remained a mystery until about 10:15 a.m. Feb. 19, when a maintenance worker went to the roof after guests complained of low water pressure and found the body in a tank.

Lam, who arrived in Los Angeles on Jan. 26, had been traveling alone and was staying at the 1920s-era Cecil Hotel at 640 Main St., police said.

Surveillance video from a hotel elevator showed her pressing all of the elevator’s buttons and stepping in and out of the car.

She had planned to travel to Santa Cruz, police said.

Firefighters used cutting tools to gain access to the body and remove it. Public health officials reassured hotel guests that the water in the building was not going to make them sick.

Hotel employees said roof access doors were locked and had alarms, but the four water tanks were not locked, police said.

The roof was searched after Lam was reported missing, but it was unclear whether the tanks were checked, police said.