Invasion of the Tiger Corporate Efficiency Moms

It’s a scourge. They are invading.
The busybodies.
The do nothings.

How do they get their jobs? What in the hell are their qualifications? I’m puzzled.

How do these people prosper? They do nothing, they offer nothing constructive, yet they somehow fill a void that seems to sate some elements of management that allows them to continue grasping their useless positions in the corporate hierarchy. They produce absolutely nothing but hot air. Hot air is their game! They write reports, they interview, they create memos and procedures, they sit on their asses and listen while piping in with their stupid shit because they really know nothing about what they are talking. They are adept enough to know how to say the right things and they learn just enough through their interviews to vaguely motivate some sense of authority but it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Impressive that there persist plants in present management structures who find it necessary to hire and pay these morons who presume to step into an organization they know nothing about and have no familiarity with while still attempting to begin implementing efficiency procedures because their skill is in fact…efficiency. They are full of shit, these people.

That’s not the problem.

There have always been people who are full of shit. They were called con artists before. Now con artists have found a new respectability in the modern corporate environment. Now they rent themselves out as efficiency experts and lull the ignorant MBAsphere into a delusional personnel investment by gaining trust in their services which merely recite common sense observations that dictate an optimum working environment. Even I can be an efficiency expert.

Efficiency experts are like particularly skillful “psychic readers” who are merely mental charlatans who are able to elicit concurrence in their stooges because of their absurd awareness of human nature intermixed with the ability to read body signals. Efficiency experts do not promote novelty. They promote the same old bullshit which over-degreed business school dweebs eat up because all their years of schooling have not taught them one useful thing about human nature.

They come roaring into the corporate world and begin making sophomoric observations which read like a cliff’s notes of no-shit-sherlock management course work.

Where I work, we’ve been invaded by the busybodies as well. They came in swarms with their officious briefcases and laptops. Their smart suits and skirts and Blackberries and their sickeningly conformist and self-important posturing. They make me want to vomit in the corporate hallways. I can’t stand this breed. They create absolutely nothing.

To top it off, this current breed was farmed in from exotic Asian locales and the written English language is not at the forefront of excellence. We’ve been invaded by the Tiger Corporate Efficiency Moms. They march in, watch sternly as we work or over our work, fold their arms, act as if they know how to run this place better than anyone here, and get paid for it in abundance. They are no brighter than anyone else. They just found the right niche and suckers who were willing to pay them for their so-called expertise. They are average and my suggestions would contribute much more than these fools. But see, the corporate world thrives on knowing your role and on not expecting more. No one is truly encouraged to exceed their role. We live in an era in which we farm out common sense to alleged overseas smarts. They come in, wreck our shit, send stupid emails, call useless meetings with Power Point slides, waste our time with projected slides, and cast many putative sage observations about the degenerated state of our company culture while offering trite, sophomoric bullshit as a sign of their great and precious offerings in exchange; offerings which are nothing but simplistic routines any trash man can make during his collection rounds. No, these experts waltz in with their fancy electronics and foreign connections that have no relevance, and tell us how to run our organization.

The Tiger Corporate Efficiency Moms need to go back home.

And our lame-brained male executive class needs to stop running to its mommy each time it forgets how to lead a company because their expensive MBA has let them down again. The only thing MBA programs teach these meek hairless boys is how to shrivel up their testicles so deeply that they don’t flaunt their superior male sexuality in the boardroom.

Everything is neutralized and the Tiger Corporate Efficiency Mom’s will see to it that sterility reigns!

And besides, “continuous improvement” is boring. I find sporadic improvement much more liberating.