The Gabby Initiative

So I file this type of nonsense immediately in my Who Gives A Flying Fuck file.

Because, really.

A somewhat hot 40-year-old high school Spanish teacher hooking up with her high school students for sex at her home in Montebello, a suburb a few miles east of Los Angeles.

The teacher is 42-year-old Gabriela Cortez. Even her mug shot is pretty hot, and mug shots are decidedly unhot because they present people in their worst physical and emotional light.


I think she looks defiantly shameless if you ask me…which makes her really hot. It’s like she’s saying, “Yeah, so what?”

Oh boo-hoo. How terrible this experience must have been for the poor victims of Cortez, the siren marauder! Pobrecitos victims. A lucky batch of teenage boys were so unfortunate as to be forced, against their will, to dip their collective stick into their Spanish teacher’s classy outline. Ariba. These boys are not victims. They are studs. I only wonder the motivation for them coming forward. It sure wasn’t a sense of justice that drove them.

A 42-year-old female LAUSD teacher was arrested on Wednesday for alleged sexual relationships with two students.

Authorities say the investigation into Gabriela Cortez began on Feb. 15 when an alleged victim contacted the Montebello Police Department about his sexual relationship with Cortez between 2008 and 2010

My guess?

There were some romantic hurt feelings on the part of a poor boy. Perhaps he found out that Cortez was freely handing out her gift of azucar to the male student body at Roosevelt High School in Boyle Heights where she taught.

Besides, I’ve always wondered about the idea of teaching Spanish at a school right in the middle of the barrio. Everyone speaks Spanish there anyways. What’s the purpose? Why don’t they just give all students at a school like Roosevelt instant Spanish credits and be done with the charade. We can save a lot money. We can cut out the horny Spanish teachers and free up a class room and superfluous staff.

The way some of these parents carry on about the perversions of “criminals” like Cortez amazes me. These are high school boys! They are 14 and up. Good for them. If I was a freshman and Cortez hit on me, I would be spending lots of time at her house. Cortez is a looker and I bet out of the booking room, with make-up and under happier, high-heeled circumstances, she might look like Eva Langoria to most testosterone-infused teenage boys. Victims my ass.

Stop the nonsense!

Cortez should be commemorated for encouraging high school attendance and maintaining academic interest among a student demographic remarkably apathetic to school. This is more than we can say about the typical frumpy schoolmarm or deviant middle-aged male teacher with an insect and prepubescent girl fixation. Props to Cortez. Instead of marginalizing such women as “predators,” we should instead celebrate their contribution to manhood, or emerging manhood in some cases.

In fact, I would argue that the Los Angeles Unified School District should recruit more of this brand of teaching credentialed cougar nymphs and allow (while rewarding) them to exchange academic excellence for sexual favors. If a male student earns an “A,” the teacher will be encouraged to ravish the young student with every feminine pleasure she can conjure. A “B” grade still earns some pleasure, but it is scaled down. She is allowed to “entertain” in all manners short of sexual intercourse. The student who earns a “C” and below will only face a life of closed bathroom doors and tissue paper, not that I’m owning up to that…

Everyone talks of how boys do poorly in school. I suggest this is one intriguing solution that may very well right the sinking ship that is male academic performance in the barrio.

We will call this genius of mine “The Gabby Initiative.” It’s time.