Hot cousins


The voyeuristic peeping Tom appeal of Facebook. This is what I love!


Being an outsider my entire life has left me with this odd strain of voyeurism in which I like to drop in on people’s mundane lives and listen as they relate and communicate. That’s what I am. I’m a voyeur of your life. I don’t care to sit outside your window and peek in because I’m not about the skin or the sex. I just want to tap into your phone line or hack you cyber exchanges (I don’t) and see how normal people live. How they talk and express themselves when they think no one is listening and what it is they talk about. What fills their empty days?


Facebook sort of affords you this chance in a roundabout manner because ultimately people forget that in cyberspace, they are not alone. People are watching. Yet people forget this, let their guard down, and say stuff they might not say to others. I’m guilty of it, especially when I comment on other blogs. Facebook, which is used by many other people who are generally not accustomed to cyber-communications, is the scene of many amusing interactions. Facebook can often be a glimpse into socially activated disasters, such as this humorous exhange I saw earlier.



Since so many of my imaginary Facebook friends speak and write mostly Spanish, much of the hilarity is bilingual. So I will translate and narrate this snapshot of Facebookian life for the Espanol-challenged.


First, the train wreck begins when my friend comments on the photos of one of her friends. I use “friends” loosely in the Facebookian context because all it means is that you’ve added someone to your circle of cyberclutter. Many times you aren’t really “friends” per se. Perhaps if you ran into the person on the street, you might recognize each other and exchange a few cursory words. Friends loosely defined.


So my friend commented on this photos of the girl who appears to be about 17-ish. I’ve pixelated her photo, but take my word for it. She is a hot-looking Latina with dimples, deep sparkling brown eyes, and some delicious teen-aged cleavage. You get the idea.


After this, in chimes in one of my friend’s friends, some young buck in testosterone overdrive. With a typical lack of literacy and grammar skills often seen on the blue walls of Facebook, he asks in lower case and without a question mark, “who is this”… Yep, someone has his eyes on this hot young thing who his friend happens to know. He makes his move. Perhaps an introduction is in order!


My friend replies in Spanish. Did you hear that? It was the sound of his young horny compressed air hissing madly out of the balloon she just punctured. She deflated his dream. We can hear the thud of the other shoe dropping. In Spanish, she tells him (I will translate into proper English), “This is your cousin. She is the daughter of your Aunt XXXX.” Kerplunk!


Poor guy.


A couple hours later he emerges from under his rock and mutters shamefully that he had no idea. It’s time to start wiping egg off that face buddy. Sorry!


This sucks. Sucks badly. What is so bad about recognizing that your cousin is hot. Why the embarrassment? Hell, if I remember correctly, I think there were some married first cousins on my maternal side. I think. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you find your cousin hot. I think you should admit it loudly and proudly! I have had cousins who were pretty hot. If the chance presented itself, I would have been glad to have crossed that incestuous line. Besides, can we consider cousin on cousin incest? I think it’s too close for comfort, but it’s fine. With some genetic counseling, all is good, and you can hook up with all your hot cousins! Obviously such ultra-endogamous breeding is doomed to implode if allowed to perpetuate for long periods and through multiple generations. Exogamy is the most obviously beneficial procreation strategy to the health and vibrancy of a species, and in fact it has been observed in some primates that the females frequently leave the social group and mate outside it. Nature is steering us toward the most hardy habits. Still, sometimes in periods of sexual famine, it is more beneficial to mate within your group than to not mate at all. Cousins should be fair game.


The poor guy in my Facebook snapshot should not have been shot down or experienced such shame for his faux pas. In fact, I think my friend should have given him his cousin’s phone number and wished him good luck.


In my world.