My past, wearing cuff-links and a double-breasted suit, pounds at the front door


I can’t even tell you if I’m traumatized.
Shocked, surprised, aghast.


Nah, those words are too strong.


Taken aback maybe.


It’s funny that on the heels of my Where Does Phoenixism Go When The Sun Comes Out? post the other day where I openly wondered if anyone I know reads my bog, I suddenly find 4 comments this morning from an old friend.


An old friend who is the focal point of many of my youthful (and not so youthful) chemically enhanced and legality-testing indiscretions.


In fact, I would go so far as to say that he literally “stars” in nearly all my Some Ridiculous Things I’ve Done While Drunk anecdotes. If I was getting drunk or stoned, he was there. Many times he led the way, but of course, I happily followed.


He became a respectable church man. Got married, married God, found his right-wing niche way out on the wayward fringes of the political spectrum. He stopped drinking, he stopped indulging in countless other shameful spectacles long before I ever saw fit to stop myself. Heh heh.


And now he’s returned. He’s still clean and living a respectable, well-manicured life.


Blogging surely serves some function. Not sure quite what it is yet.


Well the good news, I have a new reader.
Actually, that’s assuming a lot.
Could be his main attraction here is Phoenixism’s special brand of trainwreck appeal.


Good to talk to you again, you damned washed up lush! I look forward to all your coldly insulting comments.


You might need to say some prayers after reading through here. Do you Episcopals do the confession thing? That might be something to keep in mind.



Road map to my innuendo

I’m going to begin a really lame post with an equally lame riddle.

Q.What is an Italian suppository?
A. An innuendo.

The point (so to speak) of this being the concept of the innuendo.
I was thinking of the art of innuendo. I love innuendos, I love using them, and used correctly, in moderation, can spice up some really dull-ass daily interactions at work, school, the supermarket, church…you get my drift.

They also present an NLP-type of mind fuck which I suppose can be considered ethically-challenged, but whatever.

The innuendo can be a powerful force for good or for evil.
It can frame you in a different light for others to peer at, or it can make you look like a creepy buffoon.

Speaking of creepy buffoons, I once worked with a dude who had the innuendo all wrong. Problem was, he loved using them. Over, and over, and over.

His self-concious, pseudo-edgy sexual mockery was painful to witness.

His style of innuendo was the type that you see mainly issue from dorky, socially maladjusted middle-aged men (sorta like me, but you have to admit I have some social grace) who are always trying to turn every situation into a sexual one. Once he heard or detected an innuendo-friendly situation, he pounced on it with his nasally, wise-acre voice and tone. Basically once you heard his voice lapse into that mode, you knew a little disgusting snippet of flagrant smut would issue from his mouth. (I’m positive the guy, if not a practicing child molester, fantasized about being such in the darkest recesses of his innuendo den). It was a high-pitched, WC Fields-kinda toot, and he would make a sexual comment which usually was not very oblique, not very sly, and not very funny.

That was creep innuendo.

With a different delivery, perhaps a different deliverer, much of what he said might have been funny or intriguing.
As it was, it was just burdensome and slimy and way too self-conscious.

Innuendo is a right-brained hemisphere trait.

Innuendo that is well-done and sharp is nearly undetectable by the person who is extremely left-brained. Some innuendo can be so subtle that it may slip by those who are not equipped to detect such surreptitious and disguised humor.

Most innuendo falls in the middle and is detectable by all. In extreme cases. some people simply lack the ability to perceive all innuendo and they may question the joke; they may attempt to find the root logic behind what was said, and in the process, ruin the joke. Sometimes this may come across as extreme innocence or naivete…but it’s merely a function of extreme left hemispheric linear thinking. Point A to Point B with very little awareness of the “path” taken intellectually to traverse it.

Here’s an example of innuendo I experienced on the receiving end the other day. It’s not particularly refined or subtle, but its mechanics and delivery were excellent and hilarious. One of those “you had to be there” situations. Which really defines the heart of innuendo. It is not just words. It is inflection, it is timing, it is tone. Innuendo cannot effectively be related on paper (or on screen).

I work with a woman who recycles all her plastic and glass bottles…she keeps a trash can behind her, tucked under her desk return. Whenever I’m done with a bottle, I will usually stick it in the container. My humble gift of 3 cents to her. The other day I finished off an Arrowhead bottle and walked over and tried to throw it in the container but it was filled and the bottle fell out and and landed by her chair. I leaned down to pick it up and carefully inserted it into overflowing pile of bottles.

“Ooops,” I murmured.
“Yeah right. You just wanted to stick your head down there,” she said without turning.

There is some nicely done, NLP kinda innuendo. The delivery was well-made and the idea, the suggestion, rooted itself in my mind.

That’s what innuendo does when done well.
Opening the psychological door to the seamy side of our soul. Bingo!