My proclamation about sunglasses and their proper usage

As I drove home tonight, I passed a bus stop on Sunset Boulevard where a relatively attractive girl wearing reflective/mirrored sunglasses stood. I could have sworn she was looking at me. This is the problem when people wear dark sunglasses. You have no idea what they are looking at and if their face is pointed in your general direction, you can’t help suspect you are being watched. It’s like those damn paintings where the subject’s eyes follow you around the room. This chick’s face was pointing at me, even as the light turned green. I was convinced she was checking me out. In spite of my car. When people wear dark sunglasses and their face is pointed at you, you experience this paranoid sensation that you are being watched without the added benefit of having to acknowledge this fact. The drawback is that you don’t know if you are being watched! It’s like those damned social and dating sites in which you have the option of making your profile private and offline, but the price you pay is that you cannot see other people’s either and you can’t see when they are checking your profile out. Sunglasses are the same. Since you can’t tell if you’re being studied from behind the anonymous lens barriers, you are free from needing to acknowledge glances as well. But I find it comforting and reassuring to know where other people’s eyes are fixated.

I hate it when people wear sunglasses in ridiculous and uncalled for environments. For instance, people who wear sunglasses indoors, at night, in bowling alleys. Seriously, I had a bowling friend in high school who went through this strange affectation in which he wore sunglasses while bowling, because in his words, “they reduced the glare from the pins” and thus improved his game. It’s sad to witness the delusions people hold close. Worse, when they believe they are pulling the wool over your eyes when in fact they are as naked as the emperor but you don’t have the heart to tell them. That’s how it was with my bowling friend who wore sunglasses while bowling.

Sunglasses should only be worn at certain times of day and in limited situations. Obviously, driving on a sunny day; attending an outdoor event on a sunny day which requires your visual attention. That’s it. There is no reason to wear sunglasses otherwise. Yet I see people wearing them at the most ridiculous times and places, and I’m tired of it. Especially when women do it! I really hate when women wear sunglasses indoors because it’s obvious they are hiding. I don’t want them to hide, I want them to reveal themselves. I love a woman’s eyes because they are truly the doorway to her soul. A woman’s eyes tell me when I’m being ignored (often) or watched (rare). I need this feedback. I need to know what she is up to. When a woman wears sunglasses on the bus, I have no idea if she is looking at me or out the window or the guy sitting behind me, so I don’t pay attention to her. In fact, I’m careful to consciously ignore women who wear sunglasses on the bus or on the train. I do everything to avoid looking in their direction. This is my rebuttal to the lame practice of hiding behind sunglasses. So you won’t let me see what you’re looking at? Fine, I’ll show you that I’m not looking at you. This is how it works. I prefer when people’s eyes are bare and honest and vulnerable. Sunglasses are cautious and cowardly.

Oddly, I’m not bothered when men wear them. I think most of the time it’s because I really don’t care if dudes are looking at me or not. Unless it’s a police officer, I suppose. I don’t care if guys hide their eyes from me. Although, I am bothered by a certain type of male indoor sunglasses wearer. I see it a lot on the bus. They are not police officers or military but still seem intent on portraying a tough-guy macho image and dark sunglasses seem an integral part of this costume. These are the guys who have just spent about half an hour doing arm curls in order to get that good pump which they further embellish by folding their arms rather tightly and firmly. The big sunglasses hide a quarter of their face which is mobilized behind a frozen and immutable expression. These guys are tough and they want you to know it. The arm crossing is very important. I can do without these nighttime sunglasses wearers.

When I finally reign over this Kingdom, I will issue a proclamation dictating when and under what situations sunglasses may be worn. There will be no hiding behind sunglasses any longer.