Mutual dislike

Look, it doesn’t matter that much.
I don’t care.

But still, I would like to know…
Why do you dislike me?

I mean, seriously. I don’t care. I have no desire to be your friend or your acquaintance or even your damned Facebook hollow buddy.
I don’t care about you.
But it sorta bothers me.
It gets my goat.

In a strange and disconnected and meatless manner.
It is frustrating, this irritation. This disembodied annoyance.
Because I can’t understand it. I can’t hang a good reason on it. I’m all about reason, logic and the cause/effect symbiosis.
So I can’t figure you out. Why do you dislike me so?

What have I ever done or said?
How could you automatically dislike me with such lack of discernment?
From the moment we met, I got that vibe.
I knew you did not like me. I won’t say “hate” because that’s different.
Hate is born of concrete self-defined motives and actually is backed up by a sense of logic, however skewed it may be.
Instinctive dislike is different because it seems based on a diffused mistaken characterization of me.

Why and how can you not like me so easily when you haven’t given me a chance to salvage my reputation (with you)?

It’s not often I meet people whom give me this sense. There have only been a few.
And assuming that of the people I meet who I suspect do no like me immediately, I misread 60% for various reasons: bad day on their part, hypersensitivity on mine, a day of unnatural and pathological paranoia on my part, misplaced disgust on their part…still, I suspect, there are at least a handful who genuinely dislike me in an unthinking, genuine immediate manner.

How can this happen?
It doesn’t bother me. I don’t need to be friends with the entire world.
In fact, fuck the world. And fuck people.
I’m the biggest misanthrope ever, and I announce it daily here.

I actively eschew the plastic culture of “friendship” but still, I can’t help but wonder how I can be disliked so easily and effortlessly.

I seek to be appraised neutrally by all strangers. This is how I feel. I want people, upon meeting me, to have no opinion. I don’t want to be liked or disliked. I just want to be.

I do realize the hypocrisy.
How can I righteously ask why you dislike me when in fact I proclaim not to care? What good does it do me to examine your motives when in fact I have no need for you?
I have no use for this knowledge.

So assuming I were to receive honest feedback, what purpose would it serve? If I found out you disliked me because my hairstyle or shoes sucked, then what? Would I get a haircut or go to the shoe store? Why would I care, if I didn’t care. This feedback loop would be disingenuous on my part.

I am not walking the walk if I persist in being sickeningly inquisitive about your motives.
So I’ll tell myself I don’t care why you dislike me.
But I know you do and it bothers the fuck outta me. I don’t want to face this.

It’s the hunger for retribution, like thirst in the desert.

I am bothered and I want to make you pay a price.
Now…I want to piss you off and give you a real reason for feeling like you do about me.

In fact, I now would like to make you hate me.
My curiosity turns to antagonism and vehemence.
I seek such knowledge because my ego is bruised and now it seeks vindication.
I can accept your dislike yet I seek to offend back. I strive to pertrub.

And.
The other hypocrisy.
Despite my puzzlement at the ease with which you dislike me, I do it as well.

Don’t we all…aren’t we all capable of this?
Instinctual dislike?
It happens to me.

I have met people I seriously do not like at first glance.
It’s instinctual. To such a degree that I wonder if there is not a physiological basis.
In our evolutionary march, there must be a hardwired notion of what we socially and physically revile within certain physiognomies…that some exist whose presence repels us must be due to antithetical genetic traits.

In fact, I was thinking of a chick who fits both categories.
If you are automatically disliked by a stranger, chances are you dislike them for equally groundless reasons. The physiological basis underlying your dislike of a person is ingrained and founded upon a common force with dictates that the other person will share an equally instinctive dislike of you. If you don’t like a person the moment you meet, chances are they will feel the same way about you.

I ask because I recently met a woman sorta casually who I instantly disliked. Not because she was ugly (I meet ugly women all the time), not because she was shrill (ditto). No, this was owing to some deep-rooted shit that I can’t recognize. She is Jewish and fits all such stereotypes wonderfully. I’m not an anti-Semite. In fact I have no strong opinion about Jews. But this woman strikes me as the archetypal JAP (short on the “P”) and seems a fitting example to incite such hatreds. Egotistically repulsive, shrill, whiny…she is the package set of everything I dislike. And the funny thing is, I know she dislikes the hell outta me. I walk into a room and she turns the other way, she leans her face on the hand separating us. She neglects me in her eye-contact sweep of the table during a meeting…it’s obvious. This is a serious case of not-so-thinly-veiled mutual dislike. We are prime non-mating material and our dispositions reflect it.

Still, I want to know….why doesn’t she like me?
I think I’m great.