Fast walkers


I detailed rather shamelessly here last night (and again I’m shamelessly milking the same narrative for all it’s worth), how I stopped at CVS on the way home in order to buy denture cleansing tablets. Not sure if it was the rain, or that it was Monday night, but the store was packed and out of control bustling. I finally found a parking spot and headed in right about the same time I saw a very attractive girl darting out of the store. She walked fast. “Darting” is the perfect word. Like a fucking cockroach.


It occurred to me that this is a scene that has replayed itself many times to my knowledge. The pretty girl who walks so fast you can barely catch a glimpse of her beauty. A caricature.


Is this by design? Do hot girls walk fast so guys don’t have a chance to hit on them? Is this a sort of self-protection, the same way girls wrap their eyes around cellphone screens as they walk or sit in a public place, thus excluding the outside world from their own precious existence and hopefully avoid the bothersome non-intrigue of pick up artists and the run-of-the mill molesters?


As for the fast walking, I have a theory.


A theory which collides and feeds off something Chuck wrote over on Gucci Little Piggy a couple months ago. The post, “Black Passive-Aggression,” cited passive-aggressiveness as the primary reason for black people’s supposed tendency to walk slowly. Slow walking allows them to assert some unrealized power, I suppose.




Black people walk slow – everywhere. This is especially puzzling since they tend to run so fast. Blacks meander through cross walks in traffic. They jaywalk in front of oncoming vehicles. They do the “Dougie” on two-way streets. Don’t get stuck behind them in a crowded mall or in line somewhere; they’ll walk slow just to go against the grain or force you (white person) to swerve around them. Inevitably, they’ll make fun of you for being a goofy, neurotic white person.




I took exception to this portrayal not because I dispute Chuck’s reasoning that passive-aggressive behavior is a strong precursor to the slow walking behavior he illustrated. My dispute is that this is solely the province of black people. This shit happens all the time in my hood and the subjects are Hispanic. But I see the same behavior displayed on the part of all colors. The common denominator I’ve noticed is not skin hue, but age. Young people are the most likely to gleefully drag their asses when they know you are waiting.


There is another fine distinction that was overlooked for the sake of the GLP’s point. Slow walking as opposed to slow walking. I walk slowly most of the time. At least, I walk slowly compared to many people who dart about like the world depends on their arrival. Nope, that’s not cool. I’m a cool cat man, and cool cats do NOT rush, not when they don’t need to.


However. And this is a big “however.”


If I’m crossing the street and cars are waiting to turn left on account of me, I will pick up the pace.
Once I’ve crossed the street and reached the opposite sidewalk, I resume my Too Cool strut.
It’s part of my life view man.
I take life at my own pace and I call the Goddamn shots, I set the pace. No one else. I’m in control. I’m not a jittery puppet wildly unleashed by the manic tugs of a set of strings. No way Jose. I’m in control of my world. But there is respect and I acknowledge the desires of others when they are reasonable. And when I rush to allow cars to turn left, I do so rapidly but not spastically. You can walk fast but resolutely. There is a way to pick up the pace without looking like an oaf.


Of course this is all tossed out the window when I’m rushing to catch a bus or an appointment. I’m sure many people who rush are indeed rushing for a reason. But why is it every pretty girl seems to rush? Are all pretty girls wanted somewhere, NOW?


There is a relatively pretty high-strung lady I work with and she walks fast all the time. You can hear her hoofing it up down the hallways, always speeding from point A to point B as if the world depended on her presence. I’ve seen her hauling ass just to get to the restroom. All the time. That’s absolutely ridiculous man. There is no need to rush that much. It is extremely uncool and self-absorbed. Walking fast, to bounce off of Chuck’s passive-aggressive illustration, as measured in terms of pace, signals a refractory message to me that the blind rusher is truly overly enmeshed in a false sense of purpose and inflated self-importance. People who rush so often are extremely impatient and have surrendered to the Machine. Rushing is the egotistical personality’s attempt to defeat time; and entertaining the far-fetched notion that it’s possible.


Lack of control and disarrayed energy…that’s what people who pointlessly hurry everywhere tell me with their actions.


The personality traits I stated above would seem to be common in the majority of attractive women.
Slow down, damnit, I need to hit on you.