Mission Statement

Listen up biotches!!!
I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I am going HGTV on your asses.
That’s right, HGTV. Also known as the “Women Drone while Men Work” channel.

And this is my running contribution to the spirit of Home and Garden.

For this door

is the portal to my domestic existence.

Behind this door I spend my evenings and mornings and most of my weekends (yes, I have that much of a non-life).
This is where I sleep and surf and chill and basically Zone without compunction.

Next week I will embark upon a disconcertingly public revelation of the state of my living quarters and my mission to clean them up; to create a harmonious flow and simplify my apartment here in beautiful East Los Angeles.

Each installment of this renovation series will include:

1) A video walk through for the specific room on my agenda at the time with a running narrative about what I think is really fucked up about the room and what needs to be fixed.
2) Follow up posts detailing how I am going about the changes I see fit; shopping, cleaning, moving, selling, buying…ya get it?

There are 8 areas that I plan on facelifting in this apartment:
-Living room
-Living room closet
-Dining room
-Bedroom
-Bathroom
-Laundry room
-Laundry room closet
-Kitchen

My pre-renovation walk throughs will be self-made videos I narrate and hopefully grace with a nice sense of humor and light-heartedness without devolving in the creepy and loathsome self-conscious video vibe of the last famous self-made home narration tour offered by George Sodini.

My goals as stated are to create a harmonious pad where the vibe is minimalist and chill, where clutter is minimized and sparseness is key; a pad truly deserving of a 21st Century ascetic.

There is a touch of feng shui in the changes I seek, even though I think much of it is utter bullshit. I don’t argue the principles of feng shui, for I do agree that environmental harmonics and flow most assuredly influences your inner mind. Messy room creates a messy mind. I think that is a very logical and tangible theory of existence.

However, once people start using feng shui to explain misfortune or good luck and citing it as a spiritual and miraculous source of all sorts of monetary and sexual benefits I turn off the volume. This is the point where feng shui, the ancient Chinese philosophy, becomes tainted with the lazy Western mind which seeks trite solutions to problems which are anything but; a Western mind which entrusts blindly on any school of thought simply by virtue of its mystical New Age and exotic nature. Feng shui is the ultimate stuff white people like.

My apartment is not dirty, per se. I clean and wipe and mop and occasionally dust. Dirt is not the issue.

The issue in my apartment is clutter and disorganization and completely broken flow. Walking through my apartment in the dark is like maneuvering a minefield. I have too much shit, and it is placed haphazardly throughout my apartment and there is absolutely too much going on in this place. I suspect a lot of my rooms will need some serious revamping and I’ll be tossing out a lot of large and useless furniture and replacing it with smaller and sleeker.

Lastly, this is not my field of expertise. I’ll give it my best shot but any suggestions or feedback will be welcomed by me…even if you’re one of those yapping denizens of HGTV.

This should be interesting, to say the least.

Next week, installment #1:
Starting small…my living room closet.