Adrift and aimless.
Wandering. A wanderer. With no end in sight.
Where do I go with this blog now?
Not from self-doubt or regret, no way. It’s simply a biting urge to step it up, to shake the cobwebs loose, to disturb them and draw their 8-legged sentries out of their hidden eaves. To rile things up; to send a lightning bolt of destruction issuing from the peaceful confines of my bloggery.
I’m restless that way.
I am not the type to sit still. Even though, I actually am.
It’s hard to explain.
I’m super stable, super ritualistic, super time structured. To the point where many might call me boring. I call it discipline. I believe a steadfast routine has its place in our life. A necessary place. Our daily rigmarole demands predictability and dependability. We can improvise beyond that and add various elements of drama along the way if we desire.
Dress up the routine, so to speak.
Comes with age.
When young, you relish the electrifying element of spontaneity and impulsiveness. Your young empty life yearns for the new and the fantastic and the capricious. You crave the ability to fill your days tirelessly with unique experiences and unusual personal interactions and bizarre unrehearsed scenes.
Alas. You reach my age, 45, and you see less humor and scintillation in that kind of meaningless crap. You don’t care for novel experiences that exist solely for the sake of novelty. Granted, I welcome new but only in measured doses and only when they are somewhat predictable. That is the rub. Even my spontaneity must be anticipated. Crude surprises are no longer endearing. Like a cute puppy who has crapped on the kitchen floor one too many times…
Yet…I’m evolving. Always fucking evolving, like a madman.
When I started this blog as Phoenixism in August of last year, I had no clue what I was going to do with it. None whatsoever. I still don’t, but it’s only because I don’t know which direction to take it based on the series of historical foundations which have paved the path to Here and Now, whereas in August I didn’t have the slightest clue where to begin.
So I began carefully, and fateful synchronicity fell into place and joined to hammer out the spawning of Phoenixism and the evolution was underway. I always had a vague, precognitive hint of where I was headed with this, but I never would have guessed I’d be trolloping through this blogosector and hobnobbing with all these intelligent and interesting cyberfolks. The blogosphere is great, it’s an awesome filtering mechanism which allows you to direct your focus toward the verbal absorption of others who also enjoy expressing themselves similarly.
They’re all here: the odd, the bizarre, the angry, the bitter, the hateful, the resentful, the horny, the self-centered, the liars, the actors. In my daily life I barely encounter a fraction of this variety of character. I doubt most people do….essentially we all live relatively unidimensional lives in which the layers of existence do not present themselves or impinge on upon another because we essentially spend most of our day in the same environment with the same people with the same habits. Most of us are not exposed to random samplings of society within the framework of the typical 24-hour day.
Seriously floating freestyle, not a fucking clue what I’m going to do. In the past couple of months I’ve undergone a bloggish metamorphosis of sorts. Changed the name, the look, a bunch of other borderline kooky elements and now the resemblance to what I started back in August is fading and nearly non-exsitent.
And you know why?
Because I’m constantly evolving. Skirting the edges of normalcy. I never stand put. Though my life may appear cloaked in predictable serenity and tranquility, the truth is that this world that lives here in my chest, inside my head, is a fucking turbulent and destructive hurricane of thoughts and notions and ideas and my mind never rests for I am always thinking of new approaches and departures from common consensus, and even though I’m never bored, I always hunger for more.
There are times this hunger inflates beyond belief, a greedy voraciousness which eludes my control, which loses form, becomes an unfocused morass of theories, and there is too much and it can’t be quenched or sated and I want to write a million diferent things at once because all these fucking ideas are brimming and bursting and they want to squeeze out from inside this pressure chamber that is my skull and in the end…
I sit and write nothing.
I’m consumed with a tidal wave of thoughts and intuitions and motives and urges and I want to tell the world about them and they slowly fill my swelling brain like a saturated and distended sponge that can no longer hold water.
This blog has evolved along with me. It has been my intellectual partner.
It has trailed, it has led, but it has always changed with me. The only limit appears to be technology and my uninspiring sense of shamelessness. I have no idea what I will change next. Change for the sake of change does not give me a hard-on, but change carefully orchestrated makes me hot. But I must feel it. It must happen with minimal conscious thought or effort. I must experience its resurrection from the earthly depths of my spirit. Change, evolution, advancement of my soul.
I used to think everyone was similar. But I’ve known several people long enough now, for extended periods of time, upwards of 5 or 10 years, and every single one of them has presented a contrasting pattern of evolution in comparison to myself. Invariably the extent of my measurable change as defined in the realms of my psyche, has outpaced any change experienced by others. I change interests, I change beliefs, I’m always moving on to something else. The impression is one of restlessness or boredom or idleness, but those are not the driving forces behind my varied evolutions.
Back to point 1.
I’m like a raft abandoned into the silent and remote ocean, far from shore, spun and twirled wildy towards the blank horizon and lost to the merciless tendrils of the oceanic current. I have no grip, nothing to wrap my arms around, and here I wander, buoyant amidst the splendor of the cyber world, bobbing up and down on the shoulders of minds greater than mine, on the shoulders of minds sharper than mine, one minute this way.
The next minute, that way.
Shifting directions, a dizzying dance with no end.