Mr. Crotchety comments on Real Women

I read a very distressing news article this afternoon while eating my lunch.

You see, while I munched away at my desk (a horrible fate if ever there was one, why do I do it?), I wandered over to since it’s a relatively inconspicuous and extremely “non-NSFW” site to peruse while behind the cloak of my employer’s iron networked fist.

On msn, it seems everything is “pop-” something…health, cuture, celebrity, all that mindless crap that kills precious lunchtime minutes when you should be exploring the wild countryside. Anyways, the cycling stories in the lifestyle section flashed a headline that caught my eye.

What Real Women Expect From Men it boasted.

Excuse me?
Real women? What is a “real woman?” Can someone please explain to me…?
The tagline volunteered a little more clarification.

Esquire asked 36 American women at five definitive ages what they wanted out of a guy their age. Here’s what they believed, in their own words.

Ugh. I don’t like it when Esquire gets involved in interpreting and conveying female attitudes. If women are given a public podium I guarantee you they will act up. Truth and sincerity are tossed to the curb. The attention whore inclination and the drama queen heritage come bursting out. Granted the podium, the collective female voice will resort to the “giiiirlfriend” twang accompanied by the patented eye-roll and flip of the wrist as it commences to make a mockery of reasoned expression. She will overstate (overstatement is a timeless gender trait for women) and make self-aggrandizing observations of which truth and accuracy play very little part.

The unscientific survey lists 5 ages (18, 27, 35, 44 & 53…not sure of the significance of some) and traits that men at each age group should embody.

I loathe this presumptuous garbage. Women expect?

What right do women have to expect anything? Exactly when and how did these women learn or become indoctrinated with the “should” mentality when it comes to life and expectations? Did the spoiled little girls never learn that daddy did everything for them out of love, but that love will eventually shrivel into skeletal residue the minute they step out into the real world?

Oh, wait, no, they never learn that, do they? It’s never difficult in this age for women to find hordes of male saps, needy and frothing at the mouth for someone to worship, who are willing to barter their soul and assume the role of doting daddy in order to win a woman’s love sexual availability.

Women bleat on with unrealistic demands. They prey on the weakness of the modern male spirit. And they vomit up bullshit “requirements” as they stumble into the mating dance with the ironic utility of a job interview.

Well shit, I needed to see what these women thought about a guy my age. 45, not 44, but one year will not make or break their lofty expectations, will it?

He should be a real partner.
What on earth is this drivel about a real partner? That sounds like patented television psychoevangelist filler, symbolic but nonsensical phrases which sound somewhat logical when not considered seriously. But stop and think about it. A real partner who will humor all your mindless dalliances and will gladly subvert his once edgy and brilliant persona to your numbing and ritualistic level?

He should still be eager to learn
Yes, eager to learn how to please your slothful and gluttonous ass. Learn to center the relationship around your childish, self-absorbed needs.

He should be able to sing along to all the songs on Boston’s first album.
OK, so you realized your first two expectations were straddling the region of male self-disrespect and you needed to tone down the feminine power trip for a moment.

He should be financially secure.
Why does that matter and how exactly do these women quantify “financially secure?” This is womanspeak for “I’m modern and I work and earn all the money I need for myself and I’m not looking to share any of it, so you better be ready and willing to foot your half of the bill. Oh, and of course, it would be nice if you foot the whole bill once in a while as well. Oh, and own a great house, a plush Lexus, a fantastic television, a fashionable wardrobe, go on annual international trips, and own a professionally stocked kitchen.”

He should understand the importance of jewelry in a woman’s life.
Oh I understand and that’s why I’m here and you are there.

He should take out the garbage without being asked.
Yeah, whatever…something stinks in here and it’s not the garbage…

He should be sexy.
Yes, a very fair and reasonable request as her waistline inches out and time’s heavy burden weighs down her less resilient flesh? Very reasonable. Oh, and don’t go on with your larger than life new age bullshit about the relative, cerebral nature of “sexy” and its dynamic nature. We know exactly what you mean. At least cougars are honest about it.

He should be a gentleman.
I don’t know what a “gentleman” is or does, really. But a man who treats everyone with respect and kindness is timeless. Or ageless. Besides, there is nothing as infuriating as the adjudicators of etiquette. Etiquette is load of crap, manners are for simpering idiots. I’ll act like I want.