The science of a man’s length

Do you keep abreast of the latest cutting edge scientific news?
I certainly hope so. Because then you’d know…

….that fetal exposure to male hormones lends itself to a particular trait that you would probably never notice unless you were on the look out: fetal androgens (male hormones) resulting in a longer ring finger than the index finger…essentially you can ballpark a man’s virility level by sneaking a peek at his hands!

So girls, if you see that your man’s ring finger is puny and shorter or the same length as his index finger, I have some bad news…you and your “man” are probably better off doing High Tea or attending some screeching stage musical. And you were concerned about the size of another digit. That was not the one you should be paying attention to, babe!

And these same scientific researchers who have way too much time and money on their hands have extended this new-found knowledge and spawned a whole series of new offspring studies measuring the long ring finger trait.

They have found that indeed, longer relative ring fingers in men leads them to excel in such testosterone-induced activities as competitive sports, financial activities (such as day trading, stock market, etc), and whooping the shit outta their bitch.

OK, that last one has not been verified through research that I know of, but I would not be shocked to find out.

So of course it’s natural that when presented with such cold, hard (so to speak) facts, a man can’t help but pull out the ruler in order to put his manhood to the test. I didn’t pull out a ruler in this case, since they don’t talk about specific lengths as opposed to the relative length between the ring finger and the index finger. You can have a tiny hand, but it’s about how much longer that ring finger is than the index finger. Hell, Herv√© Villechaize might very well have had much more relative testosterone due to a relatively longer ring finger than Wilt Chamberlain who might have had a relatively shorter ring finger…I do not know this and it’s why I chose 2 dead men as examples. I hope no one gets the idea to dig the bodies up…

My ring fingerf is suitably long, I suppose. There is really no frame of reference and I’m not about to walk up to strange men and ask for their hands so I can stare at their fingers. We have masculinity to uphold here! Maybe I can sneak in glances at other guy’s hands while I use the urinal, see how I rate, that is a possibility.

My hand:

That’s right, yeah, you just look at that and try not to look too amazed damnit. That’s the hand of a REAL MAN! Ummhmmm, that’s me, the testosterone king. Get over here bitch and sit on my lap! Wow, just looking at that photo makes me feel amped, it’s so hot. Rawwrr!

So how do I rate? Self-appraisal time, let’s put the research to the test.

First of all…I don’t really care for sports. I don’t enjoy sitting in front of the TV watching guys in tight pants run around with balls or bats or sticks or paint my face in team colors. I am not some high-rolling stock broker, I don’t wear power suits or do anything remotely considered power-anything. I drive a 4 cylinder, 11-year old jalopy. I don’t like to play cards and I think strip clubs are boring. Wow, isn’t it sounding like maybe someone should trim some of the tip of my ring finger off by the sound of it? What kinda guy am I that I haven’t watched the Super Bowl in at least 5 years??

But then I got to thinking.

I am very competitive. I’m very aggressive. The key is, I’m not interested in the typical manly pursuits of the world…as I said, I don’t care for sports. I don’t care for fast or fancy cars (although I have had my share of sports cars in the past) and I have no urge to join the corporate rat race where I can make oodles of money just so I can spend it all on a lazy wife, 2.5 screaming brats, 1.2 shitting pets, a set of His and Hers 2-ton pile of gas-eating beasthood, or a sprawling palatial urban enclave with annoying neighbors and landscape feuds. My goals are very strict and personal, and for the most part, they have nothing in common with the rest of the human race. And though these goals are small and simple, I pursue them with a bloodthirsty, single-minded frenzy.

So yes, maybe my fingers speak the truth.

 

<i>edited 9/19/09 2230</i>