We’re trapped in this blog!! Lettuce out, please…


I had an oddly disappointing experience tonight after I ate my dinner.


On Saturday night I bought a bunch of produce at a farmer’s market I love because of its selection and prices. I bought a few crowns of broccoli, carrots, Brussels sprouts, a cantaloupe, and a head of cauliflower. I switch it around. I don’t always buy the same items, but this time I was in the mood for some good pale cauliflower goodness, the other white vegetable. I wanted some white plant meat!


As is my custom, I don’t deal with my fresh vegetables until Monday night. Sundays turn into a laborious lazyfest and yesterday was doubly laborious and unproductive because of Mother’s Day.


Tonight, after work, I cooked up a quick dinner which tasted 30 times better than it should have owing to the fact that I fasted today. Monday is my designated fast day, in case you didn’t know. I don’t eat between Sunday dinner and Monday dinner. I drink one 8 ounce cup of black coffee (3-4 calories, tops). Due to its negligible dietary content and caloric count, a small serving of coffee is allowed. Anyways, I made a cheese quesadilla with jalapenos in one of those wheat flour tortillas, the kind of stupid shit that leads people to think they are eating “healthy.” For a majority of Americans, the dietary intent is what counts, not what they are actually putting in their mouths. Regardless, I eat them too. I just don’t play the “wow, I’m eating a healthy tortilla” game.


After my quesadilla I set out on a grueling task which I really dread. Chopping up, cleaning and storing the vegetables. So damned agonizing. Still, it’s cheaper than frozen veggies and tastes appreciably better. Frozen veggies are convenient but they taste…off. First I washed the melon, washed it good with hot water, for I’ve read that melons are a common source of food bacteria since they grow off a vine and lay in the dirt. Because of our wonderful food manufacturing system, melons are frequently contaminated by animal feces in the midst of bountiful and profitable plants.


After I washed the cantaloupe, I chopped it open into eighths, seeded it and put the small pieces into a tin container for storage in the refrigerator.


Then I dug into the cauliflower.

Cauliflower comes in that snug plastic wrapping which you have to unwind and tear and cut in order to set the vegetable free and let it breathe. I snipped, tore, unwound, removed the plastic wrap. I thought to myself wow, this cauliflower is sure leafy. I peeled back the leaf and still no signs of the white bumpy martian surface of the evil-smelling cauliflower. Odd. I kept peeling until…I realized there was no cauliflower hiding here! This was a fucking head of lettuce. What the hell?


I thought back to Saturday night but I was shopping with half a mind. The other half was contemplating the gift and lunch strategy for Mother’s Day. I was not being mindful. I was distracted, scattered. I have no idea if I reached into the lettuce section and pulled out what I assumed was a head of cauliflower because I was too preoccupied to read the sign…or did someone mischievously place this lettuce in with the rest of the cauliflower? An impostor in the sea of cauliflower, its true identity hidden by the green leaves. Camouflaged by the green verdant mask. A head I picked which offered no white stinky goodness, only green bland leafiness once cracked open.




I don’t eat salad.

I think salad is really lame and I don’t see the point.


What the hell is lettuce all about? It is water and plant fiber. Rah rah. Exciting. Eating a salad is a half-hearted and very lazy attempt at eating healthy but it’s only healthy insofar and it is not fried, does not contain 80% of your daily carbohydrate allotment, and is not injected with growth hormone or other gonad-destroying chemicals. So yeah, salad is healthy by the process of elimination, for what it is not, but salad offers no nutrtional value. Fuck salad.


I’ve noticed a tendency on the part of many people to eat salads which really consist of nothing but many servings of bad food tossed in with a nutritionally inconspicuous item like lettuce. People wolf that stuff down and delude themselves with the notion that they are eating healthy. Nope. Sorry, you are not eating healthy. You are just not eating unhealthy. Dietary habits should include avoidance of bad food, granted, but they must also include a variety of aggressively good foods. Foods that contain an abundance of vitamins, minerals, anti-oxidants, all sorts of other beneficial chemicals your body needs. This is where many fall short. Forget the lettuce, buy a head of cauliflower. Peel back that lettuce leaf and behold the wonderful designs of nature’s harvest.


I’m disappointed. I won’t let it go to waste, I’ll give the head of lettuce away. Someone will want it, everyone loves lettuce because it’s so damned healthy.