Yup, for reals.
Tuesday night, April 27, about 9 p.m., Phoenixism went “read-only.”
There I go. You see me? Falling face first into the next stage of my evolution or progression or whatever the hell you call it.
I’ve been thinking about bloggery lately.
Going through my many typically weird moments, revisiting some old hang-ups.
Second-guessing much, deciding less, but feeling decidedly unspectacular lately.
I took a look at what I’ve posted, at the “Me” section on my first page. I’ve slowly been dismantling a lot of the ideals and viewpoints I’ve been propounding around here. Fueled by the notion. Am I being a hypocrite? Am I really full of shit? In many, many ways I feel the archetypal blog formula of post–> comments –> response –> comments is essentially antithetical to all that I lay out here in respect to my life outlook.
In addition, I rattle on about how Phoenixism is an extension of myself, of my personality. And yet, I feel there is something disingenuous about me persisting in indulging in the traditional blog formula I find doesn’t quite jive with what I am and how I think.
I’m not a joiner, I’ve made that clear. I don’t exist well and comfortably in groups. As I said yesterday, this blog is about self-reflection. It is a stage upon which my inner demons and aspirations can flourish publicly. This blog is also a personal and reclusive vehicle by which I elude interaction. It is where I interact, but don’t. Involved without being involved. It is so me. As such I believe that for me to post with the intention of creating discussion and other forms of interaction is not who I am, for it’s not how I would do it in real life. In real life I am likely to cause trouble or start something and then sit back and
Watch. I’m passive, but really not.
I feel as if the comment portion of my blog has acted as an escape valve or more accurately, a fracture, which has shaken the integrity of Phoenixism and allowed its innards to escape helplessly into the blogosphere. I need utter silence and calm surroundings. That is me. I realize comments are an integral and instrinsic element of the blogosphere. Yet I must take the plunge and make Phoenixism “read only.” I’ve turned off the comment feature. It’s actually a painful decision. It’s a drastic move and undoubtedly less than wise by conventional blog standards. Busting the blog paradigm.
To describe this as throwing the baby out with the bathwater is not terribly inaccurate. But I’ve been prone to do this in the past during periods of personal revolution.
The hardest part of my decision is the message I fear it sends to those (few) who have commented here in recent months. I want to make it clear that even though I may bemoan the draining nature, for me, of the commenting dynamic, I hold absolutely no ill will. Your comments and responses have been priceless and many times it’s your feedback which makes all the difference between this blog being an exercise in self-mortification and a really enjoyable social exercise.
That being said, my soul calls, it calls me to self-honesty and risking that which I’m too lazy adapt and fine tune. For I am both lazy and impulsive. My raw instinct guides me through many decisions.
I’m a One-on-One type of person. Always have been. I’ve eschewed crowds or as long as I can remember. For crowds, when formed and enervated by throngs of humanity, are most bothersome and annoying to my misanthropic sensibilities.
I will gladly entertain direct comments and arguments directed at me. I simply don’t buy into the community discussion concept. I wish I did, but once again, it would be self-delusion. That’s what I seek to conquer. As Ronnie Raygun said back in the 80s, “tear down the wall!”
Ever notice the concept of workplace e-mail is similar? There are people who seem driven to include as many groups and addressees as possible when sending out the most mundane email. It’s all about attention and recognition, two qualities I see no need to store in my personal toolbox. Well, that is a lie, isn’t it? Keeping a blog pretty much insinuates a requirement for attention. The difference being, I don’t need the feedback nor the overt interaction. I trust that some people will read. And maybe some people will be affected.
I used to dream of being a novelist. Writing novels, stories…much of which offers a closed loop for the writer in terms of immediate reader feedback. The writer has no idea if people are reading, and if they are, what their opinion is. I consider blogging in a read only environment a similar exercise in terms of audience-less eaction. It’s blind expression based on the trust of unfolding of certain happenings (ie, people reading). Trust, faith.
I still welcome the ability to discuss anything you see fit. My email address is listed on the Me: page. I would be thrilled to discuss any item directly with individuals who wish to discuss ideas, thoughts. I do not feel the need to expose our discussions to the public domain. I see no purpose in that, which I understand puts me at odds with most people.
I will continue to comment on other blogs because I enjoy it. I simply do not expect anything in return as is the customary practice in the blogdom. I comment because I like it, but in keeping with my “only when
I feel like it” nature, it allows me to involve myself in a non-involved manner. Everything on my own terms. Because of course, I will keep linkbacks/trackbacks enabled, heh.
This is the next progression in making Phoenixism a little more like me, for better or for worse.