Pedophile goatees in the news (aka, all the news that’s fit to print).

C’mon, I dare you…triple dare you…to tell me that is not one of the finest post titles in this history of bloggery, ever. Anywhere, anytime.

Or at the very least, deny that it’s minimally amusing enough to act as a sort of tepid click-bait, the kind you might click when you have too much time to kill and not enough interest in anything to sustain prolonged surfing. In other words, WTF is this shitshow behind the golden sunset slider theme?

Ever seen a pedophile goatee?

Perhaps…this thing?



This constitutes a pedophile goatee when it’s attached to an (allegedly) demented perv who was roaming Los Angeles last week in his mini-van and diddling himself while a group of 6-year-old girls played by.

Dat goatee. Not so sure I’d want that facial hairpiece anywhere within 5 city blocks of my young daughter.

When that goatee is attached to Kent Swift, well…it lives up to its dubious reputation.



Kent saw a group of young girls and his ill-suited randiness got the better of him about a week and a half ago.


The incident occurred around 10:30 a.m. April 22 at a restaurant near the intersection of Ventura Boulevard and Coldwater Canyon Avenue, the Los Angeles Police Department said in a news release.

A group of girls ages 3 to 7 was having fun in the outdoor eating section when Kent Swift allegedly spotted them as he was driving a white van through the area.

Swift made a U-turn so that he could park along the curb in front of the establishment, and then began to masturbate in his vehicle while watching the girls, according to police.


I would dare to presume that Swift’s goatee contributed to his less than subtle attempt at “sexual evacuation.” It’s all about that goatee, man.


After a short while, he positioned himself even closer to the children by moving to the restaurant’s rear parking lot and continued the lewd act, officers said.

A woman who noticed Swift’s actions told one of the girls’ parents what she saw, and an adult subsequently came to usher the children inside, police said.

Detectives were able to identify Swift as the suspect after reviewing surveillance video and speaking with residents.

He was arrested in the Van Nuys area around 11:30 a.m. on April 25, inmate records show.


Utter lack of self-control, further exacerbated by the sinister pedophile goatee.

This sucker has a life of its own!

The circumstances of this (alleged) 60-year-old pervert’s van-enclosed jacking off (are there any more obvious stereotypes than child molesters in white panel vans?) are secondary and not nearly as important or noteworthy as that…goatee.

It’s like Swift has a second head; an evil, vile, sexually depraved head controlling his actions, driving him to lust after children despite his best efforts to maintain some respectability.

The goateee won’t have it.



Not only is Swift’s goatee large, but the amount of lavish care and maintenance he exerts to keep that bush trimmed and fulsome represents a formidable commitment not many have the heart for. A commitment that must make us take pause and wonder about the wayward lunacy that embodies such a bodily furnishing. If I go 3 or 4 days without shaving, I begin to feel as if I’m descending into madness and I crave to get my hands on a razor. Only an insane man would devote himself to such a grooming rigor in order to cultivate such a thing.

In fact, I wonder…does Swift have a mouth? If not, does he yearn to scream?