One of my greatest misgivings, but simultaneously, one of my greatest apathies, is my superheroic ability to extinguish all sense of good will and bonhomie and generosity from all people who I come in contact with. There is an undefinable (or sadly, maybe very definable) quality about myself which neutralizes any sense of kinship from all who I encounter. There are very few people in my life who truly experience good will toward me and who would go out of their way to help me or assist me in any way possible.
There is a defect in my character, in my affect, which quashes warmth and communion with all that is human and caring and decent.
If it wasn’t for the apathetic aspect of my personality which does not care, my oppressive alienation would be a source of great turmoil and I might feel impelled to “fix” things; however, the “concern” aspect of my personality intrudes and gives me pause. You have these 2 aspects of my being coming into play and sparring over the concept, this deficit of mine, and ultimately, I’m torn between being troubled by my lack of connection to people and simply not giving a flying fuck about people and their absence from my being.
This is provided a glaring backdrop by my SO. She is the opposite of me. She cultivates and elicits great warmth from others. Her personality is affable and warm and involved, even with strangers, whereas I am just a cold, uncaring, irresolute rock who wants nothing to do with others, and it is apparent in its entirety through my demeanor and expression.
Ultimately, it’s unfair of me, to myself and to how I esteem others, to compulsively ponder the state of my social existence, when I ferociously disavow all human connection. I can’t have my alienation cake and be sickened by it too.