“I, a full-grown American male…” begins an over-confident and delusional Andy Cush in his piece over at The Cuck titled Thanks to This Laundry Detergent for Men, I Will Finally Be Able to Do Laundry.
He writes about “Frey,” which is a new detergent marketed for men.
Cush appears to gush over this new detergent like a 13-year-old girl might about over the latest demon-incarnate boy-toy pop “musician” to grace the overpaid stage.
Based on Frey’s advertising literature, the detergent provides “an unmistakably masculine oak and musk scent,” something which Cush appears to be drawn due to his oddly zealous affinity for the musk smell of male pheromones. Like all things Gawker and of such hipster idiom, the snark perhaps exceeds its envelope and you must wonder if this is all a put-on.
Cush proudly narrates his refusal to help his girlfriend with laundry because of his disdain for flowery scents and thus attempts weakly to portray the image of masculinity, a classic trait that seems ill-fitting for this helpless manchild.
Every Sunday, my girlfriend says to me, “Can you please help with the laundry.” Every Sunday, I reply, “I am a gentleman who appreciates quality products designed specifically for my dynamic yet domestic-conscious lifestyle. I am a modern man, conscious of all the major social issues, and I would jump at the chance to assist with this domestic task, which for generations has unfairly burdened the fairer sex. But I haven’t yet found a detergent that speaks to my distinctly masculine sensibility, and therefore I cannot. Sorry, babe.”
And this “full-grown American male” concludes with a sad but unsurprising revelation.
It is the scent, if I may, of pure hot sex. For some reason, my girlfriend hasn’t been giving me much of that lately, and I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s the feminine smell of my laundry detergent. I hope FREY helps.
Uhm. Keep the hope alive, buddy, but I don’t think it’s flowery scents that are repelling your girlfriend.
Rather, I think it’s the emblematic modern male’s sense of helpless that is making her gag at your noxious, draining presence.
The Millennial Male Helplessness phenomenon, perpetuated by the modern class of empowered motherhood which simultaneously dotes and emotionally demeans their sons, has resulted in a generation of males who believe it is masculine to be helpless, to flail, under the pretense of female sensibilities they have usurped shamelessly because they are lazy and scared.
Twenty-first Century man must be self-sufficient in order to be empowered; he must not rely on women to take care of him, especially not these modern women who can barely cook their way out of an instant Ramen hot-water recipe.
As women have become more useless and much less domestically adept, men have responded in unison by echoing such sluggishness of tradition with their own sense of anti-vibrancy and emasculation.
Just do the fucking laundry and quit whining about it. Your mommy was done away with 30 years ago.