Beef rectum: the other tight meat.

 

In my never-ending quest to get a stranglehold on my daily caloric intake, I find myself frequently typing queries into Google along the lines of “How many calories are in 1 ounce of xxxx?”

 

Google, being Google, invariably replies with a multitude of links, all proudly boasting of supplying an answer to my kilojoule befuddlement. There are several sites that repeatedly show up on the front page of such searches and I’ve bookmarked these as they are wonderful go-to’s when seeking caloric content for any number of foods. In fact, I’ve taken it a step further, and like a good autist, I’ve created a spreadsheet compendium of most foods I eat regularly along with their caloric value in ounces and grams.  I’ve listed the foods in categories (meat, fruit, veggies, dairy, etc).  Occasionally I purchase a food that I’ve never processed through my calorie data center and I submit my very informal Google command.

 

Recently I bought some oroblancos from a local farmer’s market. The oroblanco is a delicious citrus hybrid which contains the trace bitterness of grapefruit and the subdued sweetness of the pomelo.

 

 

 

oroblanco

 

 

 

This morning, having forgotten and failed to note the previous result I’d unearthed during a “How many calories are in an oroblanco?” query, I found myself typing that string in Google again. I was directed to a pretty comprehensive nutrition page managed by a young Japanese girl (as in real Japanese, from the island nation); the site is geared toward chick prattle and all issues concerning young, Japanese girls. I discovered that the oroblanco is approximately 12 calories per ounce based on this chick’s handy calculator. Since the rind from the oroblanco is incredibly thick, it’s not unusual to find that the edible fruit matter is about half the size of the fruit as purchased. An oroblanco might weigh 10-12 ounces, but once it’s peeled, it might very well be half that figure. I did some oroblanco calculations and continued browsing the site for other foods with a tinge of curiosity.  I headed over to the meat section and noted that many of the cuts of meat were of an “unusual” nature, indicative of the Japanese origins of the site. Other cultures consume a more “vast” selection of animal body offerings  than we are accustomed to in prissy American cuisine.

 

This I understand, but.

 

But.

 

And I mean butt!

 

During my navigational journey of the site, I discovered one cut of meat I never, ever, realized was a…thing. Beef rectum! I gagged.

 

 

 

rectal meal

 

 

 

Dat image of beef rectum, so generously displayed for us to distinguish and learn from for the sake of future purchases. I wondered how things might go if I tried to order such a thing at the local butcher shop.  I suppose if I get a strange look, I could pull out this printout and tell the butcher, “This, I’m looking for this! You have any?”

 

 

 

rectum image
I can barely suppress my urge to wretch…

 

 

 

I must say…115 calories for 3.5 ounces is very impressive. Very lean.  Most meat, even turkey and chicken, contain more calories than that. Still, I don’t see beef rectum becoming the next diet fad in America anytime soon. Especially when you consider that it looks like rectum. There is nothing about this meat that looks remotely like anything except rectum.  Considering this cut’s originating location, I’m surprised “refuse” is zero.  I would certainly expect higher…might explain the inflated appetite satisfaction score.  I’d have to drink at least six Sapporo’s to summon the barest courage to let this stuff touch my lips.

 

I imagine beef rectum is purchased by unit.

 

A typical butcher order might go something like, “Hi, can I have a dozen assholes please?”