I have this personal meta-failure that concerns my fixation with the human Ego.
I ponder the Ego too much. I try to map it out, I try to define it with unprecedented alacrity, I can’t leave it alone. My preoccupation with the Ego is in fact, egotistical!
I’ve written at length about the Ego on these noble pages. The one that I remember most clearly is this.
Having recently started working at a new job, once again the Ego raced to the forefront of my consciousness.
Not to single this place out. Human Ego is a constant, it exists in slimy pools of roadside detritus everywhere you look as long as there people about.
However, this time it isn’t simply the Ego I pondered. No, I thought of the sickening manifestation of the Ego which we know as Egotism. Egotism lives everywhere.
Whereas the term “Ego” is a neutral definition of a human psychological structure as it exists in a resting, pristine state, egotism refers to a manner of expression which is noxious to most, even those who are guilty of it themselves.
Egotism is a manner of expressing a personal hunger and drive to feed the Ego with external sustenance…it is gluttony of the outside world. I’ve frequently used “gluttony” in many contexts not related merely to food.
Thus, my definition of egotism is this: it is the measure to which one seeks to nourish and grow his Ego from external sources in contrast to his ability to similarly draw upon internal sources for the same Ego nutrients. Pure egotism would be the state in which one’s Ego is composed entirely of external feedback while the state of pure egolessness would represent a state in which one’s Ego is composted entirely of internal feedback.
I strive for egolessness which is obviously unattainable for a mere human mortal such as myself, but poising such a state as a goal is a noble life path.
I suppose the path of egotism or egolessness, the one we ultimately chase, is defined by the Ego before the journey begins. Just another chicken/egg, snake-eating-itself meta-debacle that can never be solved.