The Birds and the Bees, 2009 Edition: Introduction

This whole Birds and the Bees thing is such an antiquated load of…crap.

As any parent with a pre-teen child can tearfully tell you: these damn kids know way more now than we did as children of a similar age. Blame it on mass media, the internet, movies, television…who the hell knows or cares. My point is (and there is always a point) that if you think you’re going to sit down with your little innocent child and introduce him/her to the concepts of reproductive organs and their functions, you better be prepared to learn something yourself. Namely, that your child probably has a general idea of most the the stuff you’ll mention in your spiel.

Look, I’ve even fallen prey to the “not my child!” trap.

It wasn’t until the Jokes that I realizes my son has furtively attained a Master’s degree in Birds and the Bees…he was in Grad school all this time while I assumed he was still in day care!

The jokes. Not surprisingly, I’m happy to share quips about anything and everything, and frequently my humor involves something sexual. Anatomical references. I can’t help it, that’s just me. Well I notice that in the past year or less, sexual jokes I make in my son’s presence, which I would expect to draw a blank stare, instead rouse a lot of embarrassed laughter. OK. That’s clue #1. Once you start making “cum” jokes and your child busts up in laughter, you know it’s too late for the Birds and the Bees if you haven’t done so already.

Hmm perhaps perspective is in order here. Lest I give the impression that I sit around telling my son racy jokes, let me correct that: I don’t. I will admit I’m one of the crudest people you’ll meet, but even I know where to draw the line. The way the “cum” line played out: 3 of us sat at the table, my brother, my son and I. He had finished up a social studies project (Asia) and we got on the subject of Genghis Khan. I mentioned that Genghis was one of the most prolific sires in the history of man with his seed spread throughout the world. “I guess we should call him Genghis Clan,” my brother joked. That was it, all bets were off, I could not resist. “Forget that…Genghis Kum!” I retorted. The person laughing the loudest at the table…my son. I’m sure that’s still much for many people…oh well, tough shit!

Look at it this way…your kids are getting the gritty, street level lesson in Sex and all things Sexual. Even if your child doesn’t watch television or surf the net and your home has that pastoral “Little House On The Prairie” vibe, he’ll still learn everything he needs to know from his friend Timmy who has 5 older siblings and whose parents own a porn collection that would make Larry Flynt blush. You can’t shelter your child from life…live with it.

In this context, your job as a parent when it comes to matters of sex is to intervene and wipe out all traces of self-destructive and immature street level ignorance. Because even though your little baby is learning a lot, he’s probably learning a lot of trash as well. This is where you must step in…and there should be no embarrassment since everyone in the room knows what is what and you can bypass all that innocent giggly bullshit.

Which really brings me to the point of this post.

Sex is easy. A real no-brainer. Anyone can do it and everyone does. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist. Hell, just look out your window and look at what’s breeding. Doesn’t that tell you enough?

Nope, you see what’s going on is that we are so fixated on trying to explain and neutralize instinctive urges to our children that we overlook those things which we do need to teach them. The sexual-social factors inherent in the lead up to the Birds and the Bees. And this is crucially different for boys and girls.

Parents in this day and age lack the ability to either instruct their young ones directly or indirectly (by example) and thus you are left with a generational train wreck which continues unabated, and while procreation is an idiot’s job, gender relations fall pitifully behind.

Boys and girls do not understand each other; and in the absence of guidance or parental wisdom (in fact, it is just the opposite as the example most parents lead by is one of cluelessness and utter helplessness), they simply carry this burden well into adulthood so they can happily and blindly breed another equally clueless brood.

Last week my son had a class project in language arts and he was paired up with a girl.. She immediately fell into the pre-teen classic daddy’s girl Prima Donna mentality. My poor son…he had no clue and he had no idea what hit him. So even though technically he probably knows where the parts go and what they do, he has no idea of the nature of woman! None at all.

And on that note, I introduce a new section to my blog, The Birds and the Bees, 2009 Edition.

Sex Education: ┬áBecause it is so much more than “A goes into B and then C happens.”