The boasters and their boastologues

One of the reasons I dislike people so much, in general (not YOU!) is that they are such shameless self-flatterers. I am in awe at the extent to which most people willingly pull the wool over their own eyes when it comes to their accomplishments/qualifications/contributions/devotion. I see it happen quite often in the workplace. There are situations (theoretically, let’s say) where the department is undergoing a “structural transition” and a new “boss” is coming aboard, and the outgoing boss might call a quick sit-down to introduce the new boss and perhaps there’s a point where the outgoing boss asks everyone to tell the new boss something about what they do, to explicate on the wonder that is them. Or perhaps the HR dorks conduct a touchy-feely workshop in which employees are encouraged to “talk” and emote and act like a bunch of hysterical broads because we all know that the department that talks is the department that feels. That’s what HR is all about in 2012. They are corporate channels of female expression and mores, and the canal by which the detritus of female values washes out onto the heads of all employees like a sewage shower. In such excruciating group contexts when people are urged to talk about themselves briefly, they turn it into the most nauseating self-congratulatory monologue of pure BS drivel. People, given the mike, will speak endlessly about what they do, how much they do of it, how well they do it, blah blah blah. When I hear this (and I hear it way too often) I just want to say “you’re all words.” People who talk too much about their accomplishments invariably have proportionately little to show for it.

For the most part, people won’t shut up about themselves and their supposed stellar accomplishments. They do it out of fear (to justify their position/job), false pride, competitiveness, or just plain ol’ insecurity. It’s sickening because there are likewise many management class who invariably judge people by their words alone rather than by their actions. The people who rely on self-professed worth are usually the immature and socially unintelligent managerial class who lack the ability and expertise to read people well, and thus, practice a questionable dependence on self-reported positive attributes, which anyone with a modicum of intelligence realizes are garbage. It’s the Dating Site Syndrome in which the apparent self-described quality of people is generally 8-10 times their actual quality. Who ever tells the truth about themselves? Other than me on this stupid blog?

So the routine began thus. I was one of the first to speak. I looked at the new boss and simply told him, “I do the ____ ____.” That was where I left it. No need to expound. My immediate boss stepped in and began volunteering for me since I wasn’t very forthcoming about my wondrous accomplishments, “Oh, yes, and David also ______ _____.” I nodded and wished they would move on to the next person, which they did, and sure enough, the next person kicked off an agonizing series of “boastologues” during which people commenced to speak tirelessly of how much they did wile making sure to embellish and exaggerate unspectacular self-facts into grandiose importance. People love talking about themselves. I don’t. I hate it. I’m the worst salesman of myself. I’m terible about verbalizing my strengths, real or not. I refuse to. In fact, I look down on those who rely on self-professed announcements of excellence. I’m not like that. I just want to tell people, “I don’t talk, I just do. If you want to know about me, study my work.”

Words do not help me, they only mar me. I eschew words. I’m a terrible seller of David. This is all resumes are. Resumes are a bunch of hollow bullshit filler that people parade out to stand in for their fantastical self that they advertise, mostly falsely, to the world. Resumes are just words, garbage, and they have sadly earned this perverted sense of currency in today’s business world. Hell with resumes.

Screw words. Words are overrated. I work, I do a job, a rather good one I like to think, but I do not flap my lips about it. Don’t ask me to talk about myself. Ask me to show you and perhaps you’ll see something you like. Boasting is cheap but it’s rewarded by society, isn’t it? Why? Can people be so gullible as to believe every idle boast they hear? I refuse to take anyone’s word for it.

I’m such a bad salesman that I can’t even sell myself!