The senior jumpsuiter

As I climbed the stairs from out of the Hollywood and Vine Red Line station this morning, I found myself walking behind a doddering old museum piece. It was a 40-something-year-old original mint piece of happening, of hip, of 70s high style. He was old and decrepit now. I wondered what kind of pose he struck during his heyday back in 1973? Who knows, but whatever it was, I’m sure it bore little resemblance to the shuffling, meandering senior with a piece of paper in his hands as he ascended into the hot shiny fashionable air of Hollywood outside the W Hotel on a Wednesday morning.

In his mint condition tan jumpsuit.

The old man was wearing a jumpsuit! Circa 1970-whatever the hell it was. He was tall and thin and the jumpsuit was a very light cream-colored fashion throwback fiasco. It looked something like this photo I found over on retronaut.

I’ll give the old guy this: he didn’t appear to have gained any weight since he was tearing up the disco floor with John Travolta during the Nixon/Carter era. But I think it’s safe to say that his 2012 movements were much stiffer and less fluid than they were 45 years ago.

And who the hell wears clothes that are 40 years old? Forget that. Who still owns 40-year-old clothes that look as if they were dug out of a time capsule last week? The senior’s jumpsuit was immaculate and pressed. As if it had never been worn! The old man was retro styling. He could barely walk straight. He kept veering to one side like an old dog with brain damage and his skinny legs seemed lost in the jumpsuit’s legs. Watching him walk out of the Red Line station was like watching someone maneuver shakily on stilts made of plywood. He looked like he would topple over any second. If he did, what a sight that would have been as he went down while that jumpsuit flailed about fearfully with those long legs batting about like cockroach antennae. Who would get to touch his relic threads in an effort to assist? Could a straight face be kept? Many times I am tempted to take photos or video with my fancy Ipod Touch to adorn these posts, but I refuse. That is cheap visual whoredom. It is lazy in such a modern fashion. I prefer to describe and let people unleash their imagination. Let me just say that I saw this old man in a 1970’s vintage jumpsuit, that he was skinny and the jumpsuit was equally skinny and he was wearing dress shoes that were the exact same color as the jumpsuit! He had a distressing monochromatic Vietnam Era look. He was so weathered. Oh the day when he was young and dashing and tore up the dance floor over Tequila Sunrises. Long gone. Now a skeletal reminder of a bygone fashion.

I have known, and know of some, people who, though not as shamelessly outdated as jumpsuit senior, still appear to desperately grasp some old styles from their better days which they will not let go. I see this a lot in people my age who refuse to vacate the excruciatingly forgettable 1980’s fashion trends. They will not let the high waistbands or the Reeboks die a natural death. Nope, they persist in Frankenstein-ing the horrors of fashion past. Rise from the dead, fearsome fashion.

Hey look, I’m no fashion plate. Nowhere close. I can’t even pretend to be anything of the sort, but you will not see me wearing my 1989 acid-washed, mega-tapered jeans or lunatic day-glow t-shirt (mainly because I got rid of those clothes ages ago). I have some concept of what was trendy in the past because that is most likely the least classic look, the one which will cave in to the horrors of time’s verdict. Most trendy flashes in the pan styles are the antithesis to the “classic” look and are so peculiar and oddball as to not be timeless at all. In fact, many of these styles will date you if you persist in wearing them. Like a jumpsuit.

Aw hell, for that matter, you won’t see me wearing baggy jeans which were the rage just 5-10 years ago. I hate baggy jeans but I wore them because, after all, I am super trendy. I hate baggy jeans, I can’t believe I had so many pairs socked away in my closet. Baggy jeans are not a good look for short guys. That was a style that needed to die quickly, and thankfully, it did. I like the current style of “skinny” fashion. Men’s pants are sleeker and thin which is fine by me. I bought a great pair of slim jeans from the Gap a couple of months ago. These are my favorite jeans now. Only poor dudes in the hood wear baggy jeans now, because they are so cheap. Slim fitting crap is expensive now. Drive through the barrio, you’ll see a lot of archaic baggy jeans. In 5 years, maybe baggy will be back. Let’s hope not. When the next fashion trend hits, you better bet I will be riding that wave along with the other sheep because that is how I roll! I’ll tell you one thing. I will not be wearing Nike Air high tops or a feathered hairstyle when I’m 70. I refuse to be comic fodder for all the blog dorks to fawn over!