They are right about one thing: I am indeed a pathetic monkey

When buried in the depths of those solemn moments of despondency when nothing matters, when all I do seems for naught, there is always my beloved Askimet smart spam filter which catches like 99.8% of all spam garbage to soothe my broken spirit. Occasionally it overreacts and quarantines a righteous comment, but that’s OK, I can live with this. This is why bloggers must routinely check their spam moderation folder. We must consider the possibility that a legitimate comment has been trounced into the corner with the rest of the global detritus that is known as spam. Once in a while, inexplicably, a piece of spam comment refuse sneaks slyly into the comments section requiring swift action on my part. Sometimes spam is so cleverly designed so as to elude my wary eyes on first glance. Spam has several trademark signatures, however, that will eventually stand out and expose their sneaky motives.

I think addressing spam as a post subject is actually quite cheesy of me. But of course, I’ve never been one to resist cheesy. I’m not that principled.

Askimet, the popular spam filtering service used by many blogs, is a “smart” recognition software that continually tracks global spam sources and stores all the data in its extensive communal memory allowing it to instantly recognize spam before it attaches its ridiculous and embarrassing tentacles to your precious blog comments. Almost every night I scan my spam folder in order to assure nothing decent and legit was unfairly detained in my own cyber version of Guantanamo. Once I’ve confirmed that all the spam are indeed what they are accused of, I delete them for good. The reason why I say Askimet is my own personal “bridge over troubled waters” is because nearly all spam messages are coated in sycophantic bullshit that heap loads of syrupy praise on the blogger, much of it outrageously undeserved, especially in my case. Even though you know it’s spam, it sill feels nice to hear all these sleazy spam subordinates tell you how wonderful you are. Talk is cheap, spam is a whore.

Here is a nice example of one such spam kiss-ass I found sequestered in my moderation folder earlier.

Yeah, been “gone a while.” That’s called prison, you jerkoff. Don’t remember the old castigation “16 will get you 20?” Actually, you sick sack, in your case it’s more like “9 will get you 45.” I see they finally gave you computer rights. Good for you, better for me. I’m glad you’re back. You know what they say about beggars. Just don’t take me for granted or I might revoke your commenting rights around here. I’m sure that just tears up your cold little heart, doesn’t it?

A lot of spam are interchangeable. They are like form letters that are sent out in mass postings and they are the same except for a few additions or subtractions from comment to comment. Many times they follow upon the heels of each other. Very subtle, these quacks. I found these two adjoining messages. It’s like a telemarketing version of a spam attack. These 2 were probably sitting in adjoining terminals typing from a script. So imaginative and creative! What’s their next stop? Hollywood?

Most spam messages are in this shaky badly translated style of self-conscious and comic English. Synchronicity baby! Two complete strangers commenting on my admirable typing style, although the first translation indicates that someone probably is not even familiar with their own language to begin with as they advise me that I like my own typing style. How do they know this? I would say that my typing style is not one of my strengths. I have bad posture and lean on my wrists. I type too loudly. I beg to differ with these Eastern Europeans. I appreciate their thoughts but they must be thinking of someone else’s typing style. They both reiterate they will return, just like my other spam prisoner commenter. I did not realize my posts were informative. In fact, that is the last thing I think of when I think of this blog. But thank you anyways, Vlad and Olga. Back to your workstations now and good luck defeating Askimet on your next mission.

Now what I’ve shown here exemplify the general tone of most spam messages. Brown-nosing illiterate foreigners trying to make me click on garbage links. Like a famous, dashing handsome movie star, the cyber adulation loses its luster. It means nothing to me and I nearly ignore most of the messages, but tonight I saw an unusual one. None of this sycophantic toe-sucking here!

Now we’re talking! This is a seller who obviously does not care to earn my business. I respect this. This is a dare! The PUA community geeks would call this a “neg.” Don’t kiss my ass and intrigue me with your cold indifference. Just lay it all out there and make me bite. Good job. It’s not bad enough that they call me a monkey, but a pathetic monkey at that. Now that is spam with humor and irony. It worked, because I opened that URL from an anonymous proxy service I subscribe to…and was sorely disappointed. Ah well.

I am a pathetic monkey and I sling my shit across the cyberscape.