Generalizations about a single, 45-year-old man


Another installment of the Generalization Chronicles


Here are some generalizations about single, 45-year-old men.


Something is direly wrong with him.
Spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically, mentally…any which way the feminized mass media propaganda machine can twist the truth to meet its own end.


He is no longer porcelain pretty boy pure and there can be a slightly- to harshly weathered tone to his physical existence.
Gray is usually potruding in light to heavy streams of betrayal.


He dresses in that in-between world of fashion which is too self-conscious and good-sensed to be overly youthful, but timid and bashful enough to avoid the trappings of senior bland inconspicuousness.


Well-established in his career, he is not prone to rash decisions or choices. Yet, he fights the constraints and strictures of antiquated society. He attempts to break the barriers down but at the end of the day, he comes home to drooping eyes and quivering facial creases.


He likes young girls, preferably in the 19-22 year-old range.
But he does not have the looks, money, fame or notoriety to spontaneously bang such women and he will essentially default to the “old creepy man” perception in their prized eyes.


Painfully, sadly, oppressively, he realizes the countdown has begun.
That 45 is the “new starting line” to the hazy incomprehensibility that is mortality.


Socially and sexually desperate.


The initial tinges of grayness and seniority. Weathered but in a desperately youthful manner.
Fully immersed in mid-life crisis and every move, gesture, word, utterance, motive, is thus explained as an extension of this.


Perceived desperation is disguised playfully as a pre-ordained weakness.
He cannot win for the eyes of society bemoan his status.
Yet, he is in a good position for he still garners the raw sexuality of his younger days but channeled and directed in a piercing arrow of temperance and caution.


Perhaps desperate to reclaim youthful vigor but jaded enough to know this was never possible, even when he was young. At 45, he tries to be younger than he was when he was…young.


  • MidnightRaver

    I’m a single 45 year old man just reading this. Some of these observations are truthful, some off the mark. I think it’s rash and unfair to jump to conclusions about anyone, male or female, about why they might be single at this age.

    Everyone is different. Cultures are different. Social expectations are just that- expectations- based on a very inflexible construct, enforced by decades of collectively agreed upon rules.

    As a man, I feel empathy for women my age who are also single, because they bear the brunt of society’s judgement. Men can dance around it more.

    I wish people could be who they are without having to suffer the hostility of people who don’t agree with their choices.

    Who are you to judge anyone else?

    • As a man, I feel empathy for women my age who are also single, because they bear the brunt of society’s judgement. Men can dance around it more.

      This is a choice for most post-modern women. There is no impetus nor desire nor benefit for them to wed.

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  • Katie

    I was with a man for 3 1/2 years who is now 45. We broke up about 6 months ago. I am seven years younger then him and when we met he was 41. At first I wondered why he was still single. He was attractive and charming. His stories of his previous long term relationship and why it ended seemed reasonable to me. But sadly after wasting 3 1/2 years with him, buying a house for us and making life plans…he left. He just cannot commit. When we met I told him I’m looking to get married and have children. Every year we would attend 2-3 weddings. We did not fight often, our personal/intimate life was amazing, and we had a lot of fun together. He agrees to all of that. But the anxiety he felt when it was time to get married or move on took over. So he one day just left and told me it was over. This was so heartbreaking. I understand some men do not want get married or have children and I respect that. But be honest that you do not want that and not string someone on like I was strung on. I am an attractive successful woman who is now almost 38 and having trouble meeting someone.

    My advice to women who meet men especially in their mid-40’s or older who have not been married…run away. It’s not worth the time or energy it will take for them to be marriage material. If you don’t want marriage but just fun…that’s another story.

    I have read a lot of women and heartbreak with the commitment phobe man. You think he will change for you…but he won’t. Doesn’t waste time like I did. I really regret staying so long with him but I thought he was the love of my life.

  • E. Rekshun

    I was a 46-year old bachelor three-and-a-half years ago when this post was published and remain so, happily, but open to a serious long-term relationship. I’ve had two unsuccessful engagements, no children, a couple of long-term relationships, and as much female companionship as I’ve wanted. I remain fit and workout daily, though my energy level has seemed to have recently decreased. The younger women at work don’t drop by my office for visits as much anymore. Though we live in different states, I remain friends w/ four or five guys from my teenage years; they all have grown children now and all remain married. These guys used to tell me they were jealous of my bachelorhood life, not so much for the ability to date and bed multiple women, but more so for the ability to have the house to myself.

  • headoverheels88

    *our age not or.

  • headoverheels88

    This may seem irrelevant and stupid, but although most females my age are wanting the young, “swag”, great abs, blah blah crap tha guys or age seem to have naturally. I crave something different. I tend to socialize with people older than me, which leads me to what I want to say…is it crazy that I’m falling for this guy I work with? I haven’t truly felt this way in so long. I’ve only honestly been in love once and that was several years ago, and although the love is real, we weren’t meant to be and will always be best friends. Here I am…years later 24 years old in age (probably about 37 mindset wise) falling for this man. I wouldn’t call it love, but it’s deeper than infatuation/ physical attraction. I’ve never really been a hormone driven person, even as a teenager. My heart and mind are in charge and I rarely just lust, if ever. Anyway, he’s 45. He seems to be interested in me beyond physical and always tries to get to know me better and looks out for me. He does thing that may seem a little juvenile (in the crush department lol I, however, think it’s adorable) He ALWAYS looks at me. No matter how busy, tired, etc. Not my body, in my eyes deeply. Even at a distance, the way he smiles sometimes when he does and sometimes it’s so serious and intense, it scares me in the most beautiful way…I want to get to know him too, I’m just not entirely sure he’s into me. I feel it deep in
    my gut he does. I don’t know, but I look forward to work and we have to in at 3 am lol which says a lot haha. But we tease each other. He stands closer to me than others, gives me intense direct eye contact, sometimes he seems a little nervous, breathes harder/faster when we’re close, we could be super busy but when I’m talking he just stops to COMPLETELY focus on what I’m saying. Yes, he’s older. He’s got plenty of grey. No he isn’t rich. He’s either my height or slightly shorter (I’m 5’9″). So he’s not George Clooney. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel comfortable around him, he wants to know me and the way he looks at me..into me…and the way it makes me feel…I could never see him as a “creepy old man” I’d love to see if this could go somewhere. I just don’t know how to get there… I mean I’m 24…do guys that age take any of us seriously? Thankfully he sees my maturity through my work ethic that makes it a little better. Most my age are in the, “I’m grown, but I’m still young/dumb” phase. I never really went through one, but I still like to have fun and am relaxed and playful. I can tell he’s probably the same way. I just really want this.I hope he does too…And if anyone is wondering…he’s quite handsome, nice smile, nice body (to me, from what I can tell), those eyes, I don’t know I mean I DO check him out, I guess, but he’s always looking at me and not only that , the physical isn’t that important. When he asks me questions about my life, I want to ask him some, I just get nervous. So nervous. I don’t know why I’m pouring this out here. I just needed the release, I’m so gone right now…it’s almost pathetic lol. Gah, I like him…

    • A McCall

      I know it’s like a year later but I felt every word in this post….What an awesome thing to experience! Did anything happen between you two?

  • Generation X

    I am 44 years old (HS Class of 1987). I never rushed into marriage for a variety of reasons with many details. On a high-level some important observations were: (1) very high divorce rates among friends and family, (2) similarly high rates of infidelity, (3) the population growth of single moms under 30, (4) the recessions of 1991, 2000, and 2009, and (5) general lack of motivation combined with circumstances weighing against it if I did (on rare occasions) feel genuine motivation to “pursue” a serious relationship with marriage.

    Marriage just seems like very hard work. First, the engagement ring is very expensive to thousands of dollars. Rather than paying that I’d rather give money like that to my niece and nephew for college or fix up my house or truck. But it’s not just the engagement ring: the wedding, honeymoon, children, parenthood, etc. all add up. So marriage is a very serious commitment not to take lightly.

    I do want to get married in the next few years but still would rather be very careful. When I was young in the 80s I remember seeing a film called “Parenthood” where the old grandfather tells Steve Martin “You never cross the finish line.” He was referring to the hard work of parenthood. Marriage is just work, and a few of us simply put it off into middle age while doing other things like building a career, earning multiple graduate degrees, etc.

    As for aging, I still play campus basketball with college students. I train year round for high-altitude mountain running. I am not as fast as I was in the 90s but still fast enough to run a fast break with undergraduates. I still have dark hair and am not balding. So I haven’t aged as fast as some of my classmates from the 80s. There’s still time for me to get married to a beautiful woman. It’ll happen but very carefully.

    • Sean

      it’ll happen but carefully? Carefully doesn’t accomplish anything unless it is followed up with taking a risk. Whatcha got to lose?

  • Bri

    I am very thankful for this post. I am a 27 year old woman dating a 45 year old man. Personally I am okay dating an older man who has never been married but my friends have cautioned me that there may be a reason he has never been married and perhaps I shouldn’t date him at all. I decided to research the male perspective on this and was happy to see unmarried men in their 40’s express their own desires for love and commitment that I feel comfortable enough continuing to see my guy. I will judge him based on his actions and not his age.

    By the way, there are women who are in their mid- to late 20’s who will date a 40 year old man you just have to be brave enough to approach women and accept the fact there will be some rejection. My 45 year old male friend, never married, met the love of his life in passing. He caught her smiling at him so he approached her and said, “We’re you just smiling at me or the handsome guy behind me? I am just asking because I wanted to smile at you too.” The girl was 22 and he was about 41 at the time.

    I met my guy through a single’s dating group on He asked me for my contact info and the rest is history.

    The point of me saying this is to let you men know that there are young women out there who are interested so if you’re looking for love it can still happen.

    -Sending love from Cali

    • Socially Extinct

      Old men have a tendency to appear needy and desperate. Old men have to be prepared to have no shits to give. This is the only old man game there is.

      No Shits To Give Old Man Game. Young chicks will eat that shit up.

    • danny

      Great post here and I am so delighted that I know I have a chance with late 20’s and early 30’s women..

  • Iain

    I am single at 46 I love it have no problem with it my sex life is good no ties just very good sex. No one to answer to no kids I may have grey hairs coming in but who cares. I do what I want when I want with whoever I want no self pity here. Article paints us as sad men total rubbish we have freedom and we embrace it.

  • Jess

    Scott I am in PA lol

    • Socially Extinct

      Hey, I might be able to start a dating ring off this post lol.

  • Jess

    I love to get emails every couple months on this thread :) 35 still single. I think I may be to picky at this point because I am told all the time how pretty I am and I should have a boyfriend :(!! Still just searching for the right one. I don’t want to waist my time on the wrong one anymore. Still love 45 and up when it comes to men and all of them still taken…….. :(

    • Jess,
      Where do you live? I’m in San Diego, CA.


    Enjoyable post with many insightful comments. Found myself (unwittingly) searching for answers to: “Is 45 old?”. The answer is Yes and No apparently.

    I got divorced a couple of months ago, after 20 years, and I’m surprised so far at how un-interested I am in getting dating again. When I was married I pictured myself going bananas, but the reality is I feel more turned off than turned on… That basic carnal interest in women is nothing like it was 10 years previously, something’s still there strong, but different.

    Physically I’m fit: in the last year I’ve got myself trim and fitter than I was at 20. Career-wise, I’m OK with things: I’m doing for a living what the 15 year old me hoped I’d be doing for a living. In fact, I’ve stuck to my guns with a list of ambitions that I’ve considered ‘important’ enough at the time to carry through on.

    But drawing a complete blank on where I stand at 45.

    (Bit late to the thread I know…)

    • Socially Extinct

      I think a male 45 always has a chance with the young audience.

      Thing is, as a 45-year-old man, be prepared to be shot down ruthlessly for no other reason than your age. This is hard but it will happen.

      You’re a man, do it. Part of manhood is the implication of risk. Physical AND emotional. Tighten yourself up and go for it. You have a much better chance than a 45-year-0ld woman. Although, the cougars are trying to come up.

  • A big thank you for the blog.Really looking forward to read more. Great.

  • Scott

    I just turned 45. Never married, but still want to be. Love my friends’ kids like they were my own. My friends who are all in their 30’s. We used to do everything together – snowboard, try new restaurants, hike, road trips. But now they have families. Families that I love, but that aren’t mine. I’m normally okay with being alone, but sometimes imagine that someone is sitting by me on the couch watching my shows with me… I work hard and have some money and a house. Just lonely sometimes. Just wanted to share that. Thanks…

    • Socially Extinct

      I can’t imagine that life. My heart goes out to you. This is not a time to lay blame or cast aspersions. The bottom line is you are probably pretty despondent. One of the tenets of modern MRA thinking is that the feminized world is terribly inhospitable to good, solid, but alienating men.

      Personally, I’m a very alienating guy. I have nothing in common without 91% of the population. I think differently, act differently…but ultimately, I’ve never had many fucks to give so I got laid. I see a lot of guys in my shoes who never learned not to give a fuck, so they are tied up in their emotional lethargy.

  • John

    I’m single and 45 Jess. Just turned 45…

  • Jess

    I am going to be 35 and men 45 and up I find to be great!!! The problem is they are all married unhappily so they say and are off the market!! Even though they want a new life they are to scared to go for it and just end up staying and having affairs. Not a good thing! So if there is a single 45 year old man who is single I wish I could find them!!!!

  • anotherDavid

    Thomas, I feel your pain. Literally. Recently lost my wife of 12 years. Second time i have been thru this. I am older now and the world looks just as dismal, perhaps more. I’m 45 with a young teenager just like you. It can be overwhelming some days. I also loved my life and hate being looked at with such pity. I try to put one foot in front of the other and make a brave face and be positive for my kids. Having children means I don’t have the awesome buying power that some of the lifelong single guys have. That’s ok. I’m sure that I have spent quite a bit of treasure raising 3 children but that is what I signed on for. I believe that I will survive and that eventually I will be ok but I don’t know what that means for me yet.

    • Amy

      Knowing how much I empathize with my own child when he hurts, I know that you carry the burden of your three children’s grief as well as your own. I’ll steer clear of expressions resembling pity and will only add that I admire your strength and that I also believe you will be OK.

  • Amy

    Society tends to look at the male midlife crisis as a joke. You know, the guy gets a toupee and a hot sports car and tries to pick up chicks half his age, yadayada.

    There’s an opposite sort of mythos around the female midlife crisis nowadays–she finally knows what she wants and has the wisdom and power to go after it, or some such shit.

    The first viewpoint is cruel and the second reeks of denial.

    Midlife crises can potentially be empowering for men or women–maybe it’s your last chance to radically change your life for the better. But you can never make up for a misspent youth.

    Midlife crises can also be humbling, harrowing, hurtful, horrid. We realize how much we’ve lost, how much we’ve failed to achieve, how many of the dreams of youth are now completely out of reach (because of rotten luck or more likely our own foolishness). The warranty’s expired on our bodies and some of us have genetic time bombs that the most virtuous lifestyle cannot defuse.

    On top of everything, God help you if you’re a spinster or confirmed bachelor, because people assume something is nasty-wrong with you. You’re not as pathetically thin-skinned as you were at fourteen, but these things still hurt.

    Gird your loins, fellow forty-somethings–it’s all downhill from here, and like they say, old age is not for sissies! Next crisis may be learning to depend on others–losing your driver’s license, for example. What do you want to get done before you can’t do for yourself any more?

    • Amy

      Ah crappity crap crap–sorry about the double-post.

      • Your Lowness

        Taken care of ! :)

        • Amy

          Thank you kindly!

    • Your Lowness

      No kidding. I think this is the one thing I absolutely hate about the prospect (hopefully reality!!) of turning old. The loss of control, the loss of autonomy.

      I joke that I had a “reverse” mid-life crisis in that I went in the opposite direction of the popular concept of a mid-life crisis: I embraced a monkish austerity. I got rid of as much debt as possible and committed to purchasing less, doing with less, in all facets of my life. This from a guy who never met a dollar he didn’t like to spend when he was in his 20s and 30s. It was a complete turnabout for me.

      The popular conception of happiness is a joke. People define other’s happiness by their own concept. “How can you be happy…(fill in the blanks)”

      • Amy

        Well, there’s no guarantee you’ll end up in a nursing home with someone emptying your catheter bags and wiping the drool off your chin. Some folks do stay independent until the end or close to it. Staying in shape, staying slim, and eating well puts you ahead of the game as far as the risks go. Keeping your mind active also cuts the risk of dementia. Use it or lose it-body and mind! But sometimes our genetic defects throw us monkey wrenches we can’t make up for.

        I’ve gotten much, much cheaper in midlife, too. I was never a shopaholic per se but yeah, I overspent in my youth. Now I know too well that life can throw you unplanned expenses, longterm illness, economic downturns wiping out savings and home value, crap jobs, unemployment. I have developed almost a phobia about spending money. After the spouse had been at the current job for a while–a good job, too–he started buying some clothes for himself, some new sheets with a bajillion threadcount–on eBay, so, relatively cheap, but ai-ya!! it still freaks me the hell out to see him spending money if it isn’t absolutely necessary. This has been a pattern throughout the marriage–he spends, I cringe. He has very different ideas of what we “need.” I don’t give a rat’s patoot if the living room furniture matches, I care if we can afford to fix the car when we need to. Meanwhile my wardrobe is looking kind of raggedy and I still can’t stand the idea of spending money to replace the stuff that’s falling apart. I suppose I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop, re: your earlier post. What if he doesn’t keep this job? Ugh.

        Is your mother still bugging you about how you must not be happy? Try to look at it as an expression of love, OK? And maybe introduce her to the girlfriend. Maybe.

        • Your Lowness

          Well, there’s no guarantee you’ll end up in a nursing home with someone emptying your catheter bags and wiping the drool off your chin.

          You’re spoiling all my fun. What else is there to look forward to?????

          • Gay State Girl

            Oh no nursing homes will be a relic of the past. You’ll be at the mercy of blood relatives.

            OTOH, many college graduates with impractical degrees will be forced to work as caretakers for elderly boomers and receive very little in return. Don’t expect anything fancy, though.

          • Your Lowness

            The singularity will take care of our need to die in nursing homes.

            We will just go to the shop for a “tune-up” and be as good as new!

          • Your Lowness

            Ah GSG, we are such flux right now. You, me, are “fortunate” to live in anage of turmoil. The economy and measure of living is at a bend in its evolutionary road right now.

            “Impractical” is nearly impossible to define more than 2 days ahead now. Those who excel will be those who can improvise the best. The true geniuses.

            All the “practical” majors will be the bureaucrats and “process” designers. Safe but dull. Because their helicopter mom’s designed their futures.

          • Amy

            Depend on blood relatives? It was one thing when families were larger and there was usually a “maiden aunt” to take care of the geriatrics and convalescents–or at least one person who had some sense of responsibility. Now people have less than two kids, on average, and they themselves put off childbearing so long that you’ll start falling apart right when they have one or two kids in diapers and are too old to keep up with their own kids let alone take care of you. And most of us are in two-income families to boot; no one’s at home to take care of the kids let alone the grandparents. Nah, we’ll be at the mercy of state-run institutions.

          • Gay State Girl

            There will be more joint family living arrangements to share the expeses and that’s not entirely a bad thing.

            Sorry about insulting impractical degrees. Amy I know that’s where you are. Finance and Law school grads might find themselves in the same boat as those with English or basket weaving degrees (I know quite a few who can’t find jobs and I live in an upper class community) once the funding dries up. Expect the Pre-med internships and residencies to get less and less glamorous as they get more competitive, and they may involve hand feeding and bathing the elderly for very little pay. I have seen so myself. But the facilities themselves will get a lot more cramped.

            Some of us are good at predicting the future and improvising, but are in no position to act on it. I wish I could assist with the downsizing.

          • Your Lowness

            I wish I could assist with the downsizing.

            I’m sure you’re speaking in the legal, Planned Parenthood sense!

          • Gay State Girl

            No just with the budget in general. Decide what programs are essential, which should be combined or merged, and which should be done away with altogether (PP might at least lose funding) I’ve always been fascinated with finding creative ways to working with tight budgets, since I’ve had everything spoon fed to me. It’s a new kind of mind puzzle.

            I also wish I could help with damage control in the Jewish establishment, since that will be essential in the coming decades and it will affect me. I thought I was unique because I basically saw the writings on the wall and had predicted this problems dual loyalty would bring, before much of my parents’ generation, but now I realize that much of the jewish elite probably doesn’t even care.

          • Gay State Girl

            *When I said planned parenthood would have to lose some funding, I was referring more to the limiting government funding for some of the Administrative, PR or Education positions, not those who actually do the dirty work.

          • Amy

            “I’ve always been fascinated with finding creative ways to working with tight budgets…It’s a new kind of mind puzzle.”

            Having been through some tight spots with the personal budget, I find this to be true in real life–that it can be a satisfying puzzle to solve. You reevaluate priorities & find cheaper ways to do what must be done. Easiest to do when you’re single, bit harder for a family–a city, state, or country, ai-ya!–the more people you have to accommodate, the more conflicting priorities you have to deal with.

          • Amy

            Not insulted by the “impractical degree” comment.
            Though I would argue against lumping an English major together with e.g. philosophy, art history, or comparative religion, especially if your concentration is in writing instead of e.g. literary history.

          • Gay State Girl

            Which kind of degree do you have Lit or Professional writing?

          • Amy

            English with a concentration in writing. I focused as much as possible on non-fiction writing–essays and etc. I’m a hack when it comes to fiction or poetry–I figured that out long ago. I was a published poet at twelve, but when you are twelve, people are blown away if you have an adult vocabulary and a sense of form and meter. I don’t consider myself to have the sort of creativity needed to churn out good fiction or poetry. (The kiddo though–he is a creative and talented storyteller. Must be something he gets from the Irish side of the family! Gift of the gab, as they say.)

          • E. Rekshun

            I’m counting on a buxom Caribbean immigrant. I’ve got my long-term care insurance policy all paid up.

        • Gay State Girl

          I probably sound like a selfish brat, when I say the budget is like a mind puzzle.

          • Amy

            Not at all. Though I never went hungry as a child. We ate things like meat loaf and SPAM, but we never went hungry, unlike the spouse. When he first met me, he thought I was upper-class. I’m not sure why, but I gave the impression of being a refined sort of person, when we first met. He said I seemed “genteel.” In reality, I figure I was middle of the middle class. We always paid the bills on time, there was no fear of losing our home, but there was no private school, no boat, no summer home. With regard to the budgeting, I do look at it as a game or a sport sometimes, whereas the spouse has a deep anxiety over it. I think this is because he knows what it is to go hungry and I do not.

          • Your Lowness

            It’s a great First World Problem.

          • Amy

            Ah, I love that meme!

    • Algarrobo

      Hi Amy, I am a European and also forty something.

      I enjoyed very much your text.

      I tend to look at this type of crisis as a fight between something new that is not yet born and an old part part that refuses to die. And as such, they could be indeed empowering in the sense of letting some dead weight that was delaying your development go forever.

      For me my depression, my crisis came as a cry on those misspent youth years.

      I stutter. This has affected very much my life. I am an underachiever. Unable to normally relate to people, I lost all my dreams in trying to figuring out how to live with such an impediment.

      Sometimes I still cannot live it. It is a stigmatising condition that relegates a person to the frayed ends of society. I feel I have lost my most precious years. I also feel that I was born with a condition that emasculated me, I could have somehow make something better out of it.

      However, I don’t feel I am done. I want revenge for that lost time. ANd the sweetest revenge is unarguably achieving those very dreams I couldn’t in the first part of my life.

      I am deceiving myself? Perhaps, but it keeps me going.

      • Your Lowness

        Wow. I had to check my log-in history to make sure I wasn’t the who posted this. “Sleepblogging.”

        Amazing insight, Algarrobo. Thank you.

      • Amy

        It’s not over until it’s over.

        It’s harder to be a “late bloomer,” but it’s not impossible.

        In midlife, we have less time and energy, but more wisdom and cleverness. I hope you can redeem the second half of your life in a way that will bring you joy and satisfaction.

        • Your Lowness

          Amy, what is this thing Earthlings call “blooming?”

          I do not understand it.
          [qty err]

          • Amy

            Ah, I’m a gardener, I like plant analogies.

            Perhaps an better analogy would allude to bearing fruit. The flowers show potential–the fruit, achievement.

          • Your Lowness

            And I, likewise, am preoccupied with photosynthesis. But I’m not tree-hugger. Curious.

        • Algarrobo

          Yes, Amy. That is indeed the magic word: redemption. I keep my faith intact and all my efforts are directed towards redeeming myself. Thanks both for your words.

  • I am 45 years old, just lost my wife of 25 years . I enjoyed marriage and don’t know what to do now. I relate to the stories of the 45 year old that everyone see as a pitiful site, to old to be wanted and no young enough to be desired. I hope to be married again but right now my 12 year old daughter keeps me occupied.

    • Amy

      I’m so sorry about your wife. I wouldn’t be surprised if your 12-year old is supportive of your dating again when the time is right. She cares about your happiness, too.

      My Aunt J__ lost her husband when she was in her fifties. In her sixties, she remarried a wonderful guy around her age. I used to love getting their Christmas cards–always a photo of the two of them travelling, grinning from ear to ear. They always looked amazingly happy together–the sort of thing that makes you think “I’ll have what they’re having,” you know?

      It’s not as if they still looked “hot,” she was gray and thick around the middle, he had liver spots and most of his hair was gone, but their happiness is a sign of encouragement to us all. I hope someday you stumble upon the same sort of thing.

    • Your Lowness

      Thank you Thomas. I appreciate your sincerity and honesty. Too many guys in the “mansphere” come down on the ideas of “romance” and marriage. Your priority is your daughter at this point. She is 12 which, speaking from experience, is the dawning of an emotionally turbulent period. I’ve known and heard of way too many people who subconsciously prioritize their own dating life ahead of their own young children.

      Hang in there and I’m sorry for your loss.

  • ken

    Wow nice to know your not alone in this wierd place called single and mid 40s.

    I too, never been married, had more unsuccessful relationships than I care to count anymore. Funniest part was I was the one out of high school on the mission to get done with school, get married and have kids. Life sure did have different plans. So here I sit on friday night with yet another broken heart to mend (had to end 2 year relationship because 41 year old is addicted to coke, OMG! and knew her for 15+ years and she didn’t start till 3 years ago, WTF?). I worked so hard to get to this place (I have several successful businesses) and can buy almost anything I want…. I have groups of great friends, But want I really want is someone to share life with and a family.

    Maybe I’m just thinking the grass is greener on the other side but I would like to run my feet through it just to see how it feels!

    • David

      I’ve reached the point where women mean so little to me that I am not rattled by their presence. The ultimate form of “indifference.” I still love them though. Not sure if this makes much sense….

      • Jay

        Why would you have been rattled in the first place? …. Being indifferent makes perfect sense. I have a grandmother, I’m not into her at all- total bitch with the hens gather but I still lover he though. Women bring everything into this world…the ultimate beginning and end, the ultimate last protector and holder of the child. You have to respect that at a certain level. You don’t have to connect 24/7 though, just like with anybody.

  • erik

    Ya, I love fishing!
    But they banned fishing in Laguna Beach where I live.

    I can’t even believe how bad my luck is nowadays.

    • Jay

      Maybe you will find something or someone that is worth it now, rather than just for your money and toys.

  • Ya?
    I’m 45 years old right now.
    Never married, no kids.
    My midlife crisis began at age 40.
    I had a hot girlfriend ….
    But on my 40th birthday, she threw me a surprise birthday party,
    and dumped me that night.
    She then got married, and had a baby all within a year.
    It hurt… real bad!
    I lost my job of 25 years, my beach pad, my life savings, and most importantly …
    My confidence.
    Now at 45 years old, I live with my mother. I work any kind of minimum wage job I can get.
    I always had a good job, a girlfriend, money, good looks, and tons of friends….
    It’s all gone.
    I have been alone for 5 years now.
    I’m done.

    • David

      No one is ever done. Sounds like you’ve had a 7-course dinner of shit served at your table.

      It’s time to retreat constructively. Do you have hobbies, creative outlets, dangerous manias?

    • David

      BTW, 47 now. I can’t believe I’ve aged so much since this post.

    • Your post is very simple, easy to read, and it hit through. I post this comment to say “Sorry to hear, man”. I’m of the opposite gender, but I can relate.

      • jadedqueen

        Erik, brave of you admitting all that to yourself and to the world. Maybe one has to be 45 to be able to muster that.

  • Me


    Sounds like you got it all. Money, women, travel here and there. But who really loves you? And if they love you…why do they love you?

  • Gene

    I’m a 45 year old,black guy.I was gonna put “african american” but c’mon! I have settled on the fact that what my settled down friends miss most, is the freedom of not having children and spousal responsibilities. And while the obvious trappings of a life w/ a wife and kids are attractive,there comes a time when one has to realize it’s more than likely not gonna happen. Instead, I revel in my ability to go and do as I please. I have a active social life and the means to do the things I enjoy. I went through the “I feel old,fat and ugly” stage too. Self pity is NOT a good look! Bottom line, embrace the advantages, and don’t sweat what could have been.Life was too short 20 years ago,and it’s a lot shorter now.

  • Alec

    So I am 45 years old, and having a crisis, not of mid life but that life does not have a place for a man who is at the top of his game and still single. I have the ability to close any deal, travel the world, and even chase and catch women 15-17 years my junior. I will not apologize for taking a younger woman, lets face it most 45 year old women look their age and more. So in a world that people say some crap about why I am not married I have to look and laugh because my $2.5 M house in downtown is paid for, my Villa on the water in europe is paid for and I know
    I can chase a hot chick and get her. Don’t pity the 45 year old, fear him because he is at this time, the strongest mentally, financially and even physically if he makes it so. 45 f’n rocks when you get past the BS.

    • David

      Hahaha, with your creds, you should have no problem whatsoever raising the “barely legal” set !

    • Jay

      Except their moms and dads will have no problem seeing through you and cutting your dick off.

      • jadedqueen

        Ah, those old adolescents…

    • Daniel

      Great Alec… you tick all the boxes for what 45 represents for the masses, who don’t have what you have or even want.
      You instead create insecurity on a mass scale to your fellowman. Flash car, Des Res and bangin’ the younger woman pfft! It alienates all from the common man’s position…and eventually yourself from your fellow man. It’s not about finding yourself, just your next conquest.

      Think on that and I wish you well in your time ahead.

  • Ask-a-Teen

    “It was the 3D, that is disruptive and harmful to our sympathetic nervous system. We are immersed in a sensory environment lacking all the associated senses! Some things are meant to be experienced fully and completely and if our body is unable to reconcile reality with perception, the body shudders. ”

    Interesting. Can you explain more?

    Tahir, wow. Sorry you had to go through that but at least it woke you up and turned your life around for the better. That’s what “crisis” is for, afterall.

    Regarding being middle-aged and single, but the time I’m middle-aged marriage will be a thing of the past, so I guess I’m lucky. I don’t want to get married anyway so if the stigma is gone by the time I’m 40, all the better.

  • Tahir

    I turned 45 this feb and without realizing it, had midlife crisis hit me in the face really hard a week before my birthday. I am the Creative Director at a TV Studios and was in a relationship for 10 years that broke two years ago. Suddenly, i was an overweight, balding ugly old man, who had never married, carried around a broken heart, thought constantly of the happy days he spent with his ex, worked in a job he no longer enjoyed, had no real friends having never cultivated meaningful friendships, his siblings happily settled in their married lives, his ex regrettably happily married and well settled, his parents advancing in age … . And so one night, at the cineplex, while watching Avatar in 3d, i suddenly had this unbearable pain in my chest. I started crying. I thought i was dying. I was taken to the hospital where they told me i was most probably having a a Heart Attack (Acute Coronary Heart Disease).

    An echocardiogram, cardiac enzymes, lipid profile, fasting sugar and angiography later, all of which came out totally normal, i was given a clean bill of health. It wasnt a heart attack i had suffered, it was a panic attack … Mid Life Crisis.

    Two months later i have already shed 20 pounds, eat healthy, exercise, have made peace with my love lost, have become very close to my family, am serving a notice period at work, am finally going to practice the craft I had studied but never practiced … as a medical doctor i shall be setting up my practice far from the madding crowd of the urban jungle. I am no longer afraid to end up being alone and having no children to take care of me. Life will take care of me as it cares for all life.

    And that Life, gentlemen and ladies, after a mid life crisis, is actually not as bad once the red flag of the critical time goes down.

    It was the 3D, that is disruptive and harmful to our sympathetic nervous system. We are immersed in a sensory environment lacking all the associated senses! Some things are meant to be experienced fully and completely and if our body is unable to reconcile reality with perception, the body shudders. It’s like watching a sad movie. You experience the broken heart without experiencing it. How horrible is that? Well, I’m glad your tribulation has turned out “better.”

    • jadedqueen

      I agree the 3D might’ve been contributory to the panic attack. Good one, dude.
      To Tahir, it’s comforting to hear about people living life not fearing being alone. Remember Mark Twain’s words, “The worst kind of loneliness is to be not comfortable being alone.” Good luck in life.

  • David

    Hey Roberto, interesting isn’t it when the people who play the married and “settled down” game are confronted by someone who has opted out of the matrix. Married women abhor you and your insidious influence and married men secretly hate you.

    • LeeAnne

      Great Comment!

  • Roberto

    Yes, now 47 years old, happy, hetero and never married (by choice). I occasionally get the subtle smirks and eyerolls from coworkers (always only the females) about “why isn’t Roberto married?” They conveniently forget that all of them, w/o exception, each have muliple failed marriages, multiple children from multiple men, and unmarried far longer than married.

  • sestamibi

    That was me at 45 too. In addition to all that I was the butt of snickering behind my back at work: “He must be a closet gay (because he’s so big on pro-life, pro-family causes)”

    When I got involved with “Melissa” a year later I told no one about it, because had we broken up the snickering theme would have been “It took her THAT long to wise up??!?”. And even when we got married and I had to tell HR to put her on my benefits plan it was “Gawd, how could anyone be that desperate??”

    I lost my job in a corporate reorg shortly after that, but bounced back. I got a new job across the country where no one has ever known me as anything other than Melissa’s husband and “Cody’s” daddy. I am happy and life has been good to us.

    But I’ll say this much. If that hadn’t happened, I doubt that I would be yet toiling in the corporate sweatshop. I would have dropped out knowing what you stated: at 45 you ain’t goin’ nowhere in the company, and you ain’t ever gonna get a babe of child-bearing age. I know it hurts to have failed on something that may mean so much to you, but don’t waste whatever time is left to you. Drop out and enjoy your freedom instead.

    • Socially Extinct

      I’m in a “biding my time” mode. Waiting for certain obligations to transpire, but until then, I’ll play the game and wear a big happy smile. :)