fsharp, you were wondering…

Your cyber-footprint is an indomitable and fearsome thing.

Each time you venture out into the wastelands of the blogosphere, the journey, large or small, is memorialized in the annals of recorded record. Everything you chance to utter, however forgettable or (personally) unmemorable, is etched in silicon circuitry and will be dredged up by readers with vast memories and armed with inhuman depths of perceptiveness.

There’s a good chance someone will eventually bring up a small quote, a flippant statement you made but whose details you don’t remember.

It’s like that trademark female ability to conjure your most obscure and forgotten personal historic record and strategically brandish it at the most inopportune time, usually enabling said woman to flank your forces during the current “heated discussion,” aka, spat. Before the internet there was woman.

A perceptive reader harked back to some of my past commentary (always scary in itself) in a comment he/she made in response to my Post Atomic Sex Dream post the other day. The reader, fsharp, wrote:

Over at bsd you wrote:

Oh I agree. I am a very fair and benevolent person. I’m simply dealing with dwindling hostilities I’ve carried with me most of my life and which have only begun to subside in the past decade. It’s reached the point where I have control over them now and I mock them for the hold they used to have on me. I still have em though

What did you mean by dwindling hostilities? Anger? How did you get to control (i understand if you can’t elaborate).

I certainly have to give fsharp credit for digging and sleuthing up that old comment I made on Mandy’s blog, Random Acts of Kindness. A comment so forgotten I simply have no recollection even to which post it applied. I vaguely remember writing it…

Lacking that context against which I can judge my own comment, I will say this in response to fsharp’s question.

I would say that prior to my 30th birthday, I was brimming with hostilities.
Repressed aggression.

Endless supplies of resentments…I was a miserable man. It was bitterness.
Driven and simultaneously shattered by my own ambitions. Ambitions of all sorts.
For I bought into the emotionally and materialistically consumptive matrix which feeds and destroys our society.

I somehow managed marriage, had a child…and the marriage, lasting 7 years, dampened my hostilities just a bit. Just. But they persisted.

Hostilities. My hostilities took the shape of privately held, privately nurtured judgments and defensive reactions to others and their institutions I came to distrust.

My hostilities were cute little nuggets of anger and hate and even rage.
Hostilities which manifested in irresponsibility and impulsiveness.

And devoured my marriage.
After 7 years, my hostilities had in fact subsided slightly, but not nearly enough to prevent a major marital implosion.

Following my divorce, my hostilities continued to dwindle, but way too slowly for my own good.

I found myself holding less grudges, reverting less to harsh judgments. But all was not well, despite that.

Looking back, my impulsiveness and aggressive alienation were born of weakness. And as such, I was less than a man, hardly a man; behavior which was rooted in boyhood and never allowed to progress forward into maturity.

After my divorce, my sense of irresponsibility spiked and it nearly drove me to the grave. Like a light bulb which flickers brightly just before blowing out, all the elements of my troubled natured flared in one final display of glory.

I planned to address fsharp’s question against the entire backdrop of this story, but time has run short this weekend, so I will address the question directly without going into the elaborate tale. That will be another time.

I will just say that escaping the maws of death had a sedating effect on the hostilities which devoured me from the inside. And with the gradual sedation of my anger, I also found I could control it as well. I discovered I could head off angry or negative thoughts and neutralize them before they struck me down.

I relinquished the matrix I spoke of earlier.
Needing nothing, seek nothing, was my greatest release.
Some would say it’s a lowly form of existence and I can’t disagree.
But I’ve found great succor here. For if you seek nothing, you will find nothing.

Peace of mind is contentment of the soul and indifference to outcome; most importantly, it is the acceptance of that part of life which snubs its nose at your helplessness. Acceptance of that tragic aspect of life which haunts each of us through our waking days.

Important note, to fsharp. This is not something I set out to do. It was not a goal.

I didn’t wake up one morning and decide I would embark upon this program to purge hostilities.

I think such a conscious effort will only serve to revive hostilities, for they will easily overcome your attack if challenged directly.

One must subvert and sneak upon one’s own harmful defenses.