Football is stupid and boring; a true testament of American character!

 

I certainly can’t remember a day in my life when I actually liked football. I’ve never cared for the game.

 

Now, I haven’t always had an aversion to sports. Baseball was the sport of my youth. I played in Little League and dived into the sport with all the statistics-minded abandon of a modern-day fantasy-footballer during my teen years. Even as a youngster, I recall many nights lying in bed after the lights were out while I listened intently to Vin Scully announce the Dodger home game while the buzz of the crowd framed the tinny sound emitting from my clock radio. Much of my youth was intertwined with the fate of the Dodgers, with their glories and defeats. The concept of competition and athleticism did not offend or bore me. Later, in my 20s I also became a hockey fan and pledged my allegiance to the L.A. Kings. Who couldn’t love the Miracle on Ice? That was what sports should be…in my mind.

 

But football absolutely bored the hell out of me. As a boy, I succumbed to the popular illusion to football as the ultimate focal point of all the fake male bravado that Americans eat up like armchair pansies. I tried my best to learn about football, to learn the rules and follow the weekly games, but I simply did not have it in me to do this.

 

Football was not for me.

 

Much of my family liked football, of the professional and college variety, and during the autumn holidays it was inevitable that a group of male relatives would gather loudly around the television in complete disregard of the parallel family events at hand, but I would venture as far away from the televised gridiron mayhem as possible. It’s not that I enjoyed the family events. I simply hated the football spectacle even more than listening to all my female relatives prattle on incessantly about stupid bullshit. In fact, I frequently found myself outside where I could stare at the sky or the trees, neither of which preoccupied themselves with boy’s games or girl’s stories.

 

I went anywhere I could find that didn’t involve men in helmets and tight shiny pants, running around in spurts of 4-second action. Boring. At such a young age, my sense of self was not cemented and I believed something must be wrong with me for not liking football. Football was what men liked. Men acted simple and masculine when football was present. Manhood seemed to regress before my eyes when the stupid game was at hand. They were loud and moronic sheep as the game clock counted down the inexorable fits of “action.” I never summoned the ability to sink to that level.

 

Hey man, I tried my best to like football. I tried desperately to integrate into in my manly arsenal. If I could just bring myself to like football, I would be like all the men I knew, lumbering simpletons mesmerized by the oval pig-skinned chicanery. But no matter how I tried, it never came to me. The spell of football missed me every time.

 

There came a point in my life where I was able to surmount the pinnacle of self-empowered maturity and see with clarity the idiocy of our American cultural lie which could ever entertain the foolish notion that football defined masculinity in this post-industrial technologically-enabled pussyfest called America at the turn of the Century. I saw football for what it is, and more importantly, accepted that its hollow image was not worth my time, and indicative in a grander sense, of a sociological malaise that I was thankful not to be a part of.

 

Football has become the vehicle of empty-headed American arcana which found bold ascendance in the latter 20th Century just as the last remnants of true American masculinity was struggling over its last gasps of air.

 

Football today is a vehicle of blind consumerism and a displaced sense of masculinity that has now been rendered homeless by the rapid equalization of the genders. Football is less about the game than it has ever been. Football is America. It is a symbol of excess, gluttony, shallowness, instant gratification and impatience. It is a boring sport boasting of a lot of hot-aired faux strategies and steered by well-placed periods of inactivity rather than actual movement. Football oozes commercialism and half-time glitter. All spontaneity and originality is cloaked within accepted and rehearsed time frames of carefully measured doses of expensive trashy offerings. Football is us!

 

I heard someone argue that football should be the American pastime. Not sure about that, but football is more American than America.

 

  • just a random dude

    Agreed. That’s really what I was aiming for. But if there’s ever a Remote Control Rodeo…

  • One thing I’ve never quite gotten is how so many sports fans today don’t merely feel, when their favourite team wins, that “our team won; woo-hoo!”, but “we won!”, as if they themselves had been participating. I remember when the 2010 Olympics were in Vancouver, seeing Canadian and American fans trashtalking each other along these lines, “Yeah, you beat us, but we’ll show you next game!”, etc. I just don’t get it; I must lack the ‘identify with others as if they were yourself in sports viewing’ gene. I can feel good, when I bother to watch sports, that a team I’m rooting for wins, but I don’t feel it’s some sort of personal victory; ditto if they lose; it wasn’t me out there who didn’t win…

    • Socially Extinct

      Maybe we just tend to romanticize the past, but it seems like so many athletes now are just douchebags with money. You gotta search high and low for any class acts now.

      • Exactly; that’s part of what put me off sports; back in the early ’90s, there was the baseball strike, and a hockey strike; I got pissed at them, and quit watching sports. As if professional athletes don’t earn enough money!

        • Socially Extinct

          I’m sure a lot of this has to with the baller mentality. The ghetto is a major talent pool for a lot of pro sports and you can give them all the money in the world but it doesn’t make a lick of difference to their character which is just trashy ignorance and impulsiveness.

    • I hate that sports are used as filler for sincere human conversation.

      Sports are the opiate of the idiot.

    • sdfsdfsdf

      I feel the same exact way I hate when people say Our team won like no you didnt do any of the work you sat on your ass watching a game you didnt win

  • just a random dude

    It strikes me that a huge problem here is that the number of people that actually play is so small as to be statistically nonexistent. In other words none of us play the game. We just watch genetic freaks play a game at a level that is impossible for the rest of us to play.

    We’re also supposed to give some sort of loyalty to our “local” team. Sounds ok in concept but in reality it’s anything but. Teams move for financial reasons and here in Louisiana the Saints regularly blackmail the state for more concessions. We pay it too for fear of losing our “local team”. Jerry Seinfeld had a great bit about how all you’re really rooting for is laundry.

    The result of all this is lack of connection. It’s a bit better when you get to college level sports but not by much. High schools are even getting in on the action as much as they can. What’s left is Peewee football and Little League…

    Some years back this one guy at work talked me and another guy into joining him at this little storefront dojo for “grappling”. You know, Gracie style wrestling. Now this was pretty much guys in their thirties and forties so nobody had any illusions about becoming cage fighters or anything else. The surface reason was self defense and that was kind of true but really I think it was just doing something athletic with other men.

    My wife has done league bowling for years and so did I until rotator cuff issues came up. She still seems to enjoy it. I know bowling isn’t the most athletic endeavor but it is something more than just spectating.

    I use those examples not to show how my wife and I are super athletes ( we’re not) but to illustrate actually DOING something. Modern sports is just viewing, not doing…

    • Socially Extinct

      Bowling is accessible, affordable, and the whole family can participate, and very few people take it to a serious professional level of misery. Bowling is a recreation. Grappling sounds kinda cool!

      • just a random dude

        It was really fun. Definitely better than bowling. Unfortunately the guy that ran the dojo went out of business.

  • Randall Miller

    I agree completely. The only thing more boring than watching football is being forced to play football. In gym class, I did my best to stay away from the stupid ball. Saying that I would like it if I understood it is crap.

    • Socially Extinct

      Yeah, I used to think liking the stupid game was the way to be part of the crowd. Then I grew up.

  • david

    football is SO DUMB! first the name is completely stupid.

    then you watch all these big strong mens . and every play gets reviewed over and over. its take hours to watch one game.

    tons of bad unfunny commercials. i’d rather put a used baby diaper on my head and 69 some random homeless guy with AIDS than spend 3 hours on sunday
    watching this nonsense as if any of it matters.

    i’d rather give my penis expired green botox injections whilst snorting bath salts and raping myself with a big black cock dildo than watch BIG BEN RAPE-LISBURGHER AND DONKEY KONG SUH AND PLAXICO SHOOTMYSELF .

    only a fat moron would follow one of these teams all year as if any of these players give a rat’s rectum about them.

    stay armed and fat america.

  • kenley

    Football is stupid period. Although it would be more fun if there were bouncing betties and mines on the field. National Fairy League.

  • Andrew

    Way to make football sound like shit. You are probably just some smug ass “intellectual” go sit under a tree and read twilight asshole. You don’t have to like the game, but don’t disrespect it.

    • Socially Extinct

      Actually, I don’t give a flying fuck about football, the game. It’s the American reaction to it.

      Dude, you don’t have me figured out. “Twilight?” Right…

  • Devin

    This is pretty stupid nobody cares.

    • You are stupid; you don’t know how to use punctuation.

  • ANON

    Hillarious how you say spurts of 4-second action is boring but you support baseball. Correct me if I’m wrong but baseball is pretty much the exact same thing…about 4-6 seconds of action. Also interesting that you never talk about how you ever tried PLAYING football, you simply talk about how dumb watching and talking about it is. You have no personal experience with actually playing the sport therefore you cant judge it correctly.

    • Socially Extinct

      I suspect you did not read this thoroughly.

      I don’t give a shit about “4-second spurts” of action insofar as they define sports action. Nor am I saying that baseball is “exciting” as opposed to football.

      Sex can be described as 4-second spurts of action, but I’m surely not denouncing sex as boring (at least not for another 10 years).

      • david

        sex is a 4 second action for you??

        your dingdong is pathetic brosniff. see a doctor asap cause your chuk chuk is damaged.

        probably why the girl laugh at you when you remove your cock ring that’s the size of my tiny mom’s little toe.

        1) football is for dummies.
        2) i dont even have to see you to guarantee you are over 30% bodyfat.

    • TheGuvnr

      So pretty much like 99.9% of American football fans. Are you telling me that the average Miller Lite swilling beer bellied couch potato football fan actually plays football?

  • Will S.

    Football is boring, agreed. So is baseball. So is any sport where the action is stop / start rather than continuous, or is fairly slow if mostly continuous – like soccer.

    Really, only basketball and hockey are moderately exciting, because the action is fairly constant, and there’s lots of movement.

    Even so, I’m not interested enough to watch them on TV.

    • TheGuvnr

      Action or no action, all sports can pretty much be boiled down to a bunch of guys chasing after a ball. I can understand people PLAYING sports, but what is the point of watching them?

  • Not at all GSG! After a while, misery gets boring. So there is the fun and diversion, right?! And besides, I live in California and am a Republican. Now THAT is misery these days!

    • Gay State Girl

      It gives me a sense of superiority and that n turn provides pleasure.

      Why do you stay in California then? Since the dollar goes much further in conservative areas which also boast better job opportunities (to be the big fish in a small pond so to speak.)

      • Socially Extinct

        Misery is all that counts in this life.

        Misery is the basis of reality. Everything else is just a stupid dream, a fantasy. If we feel good, it does nothing. Those who are too happy are weak.

        Contentment is lethargy.

  • Gay State Girl

    I’m proud I never feigned an interest in sports to impress guys.

    • Socially Extinct

      There are large swaths of women who like football because their boyfriends do. They even like the team their boyfriend does. They don’t give a fuck about football insofar as it’s a mating signal, like his and her towels.

      • Gay State Girl

        Sports are a convenient distraction from the elite’s shenanigans, I remind every guy I meet. I can’t stomach them for that reason alone.

        But it is hard not to get swept up in the fervor when “your” team goes far and it’s always thrilling to humble NY fans even if I don’t know which game is being played.

        • I prefer to call it a diversion. But so are movies, concerts, almost all forms of entertainment. The key is to have a balanced approach to enjoying these diversions.

          • Gay State Girl

            Your just playing into their fantasies, feeding the dragon.

  • Well, I see some point to this post. Yes, there is something about football that brings out the crazy in Americans. And really, the whole Super Bowl is that. Another excuse for many Americans to let themselves go, so to speak. Look, I do not ever begruge any excuse for celebrating much of anything. I watched the game today. My team, the Cleveland Browns, well they wern’t in it. Oh, my bad. They sort of were because the evil now deceased Art Modell ripped the hearts of us Browns fans by moving to Baltimore. OK, but I really had no vested interest in the game. I wanted the 49ers, yet they lost. But I had fun anyhow. You should look at it that way.

    • Socially Extinct

      Fun sucks. Who the hell ever said we had a birthright to fun? This is one long misery ride. Happiness comes in fleeting spurts of neverness.

      • Sorry dude but I just take a different look at life than you do. There is nothing wrong with fun. There IS something wrong with always being a downer. At least in MY world!

      • Gay State Girl

        Lets hear it for misery. I consider it an honor to be chosen to bear the weight of the world on my shoulder.