“Alarm clocking” the Russian bitch

Wow, so when I watched this CNN/Reuters video report about an “art exhibit” at the Ukraine National Art Museum, all my illusions about virile, masculine, Alpha Russian men took an awkward dive. Seriously, in this blogosector, Russian men are portrayed as the unadulterated no-holds-barred male specimens of the modern world. Whenever someone (usually a liberal chick) talks about how “manly” and “Alpha” Barack Obama is, an opposing crescendo rises mocking the ludicrous supposition. Everyone just knows the penultimate representation of a national Alpha-leader on today’s global stage is Vladimir Putin. There is no question about it. This is an outgrowth of the popular imagery of Russian men as the embodiment of masculinity. Perhaps it is so. But from judging the men that visit the Ukraine interactive art exhibit which features a succession of 5 pretty models who play the live role of “Sleeping Beauty” by laying beautifully on a bed for 3 days while a parade of men kiss them (while their eyes are closed in keeping with the legend), the state of Russian masculinity is not quite what it’s trumped up to be. All male participants must sign a “contract” before they kiss the model. It states that if she opens her eyes, he must marry her. And thus begins the foolishness.

One of the participants, Anton Markov, who incidentally reminds me of Mikhail Baryshnikov with a mousy mustache, stood moments before the exhibit model before walking away like a frightened boy without a kiss. He later explained to the camera, “I wanted to feel her [the model] with my heart, but I just didn’t feel it…” OK, Anton dude. When it comes to joining your lips, or any other physical appendage, with a girl, your heart must be kept as far from the scene of the crime as possible. Don’t listen to your heart. Your heart is the buzzkill. Your heart doesn’t care about pleasure or sex. It cares about itself, not the rest of your physical experience. Your heart is very self-absorbed and short-sighted. Your heart does not have your satisfaction in mind. If the opportunity to invade a girl’s pleasure space is in proximity, you must lock that heart up well until you are done. Once you have concluded your dastardly deed, you can let it out again. It might be angry and resentful that you did not consult with it. Too bad. Anton, you acted like a woman in the face of a certain artificial kiss. You thought too much. Don’t effin think, ever. Thinking is the weak man’s escape. I’d hate to see how Anton acts when he actually has to earn a kiss. Every first kiss I had was of my own accord. I never asked, I never consulted: I just did. And never got slapped.

And then the next Russian pansy waltzes up in a blue blazer and pink shirt and a strange page boy hairstyle. Wait, what the hell is this? A Russian hipster or a Russian Austin Powers? Oh my tired head. At least he had the balls to kiss the girl, but that is about all the credit I can summon for him. What kind of kiss was that? He bowed more daintily and meekly than Barack Obama, and his “peck” literally lasted 2.8 seconds and appeared to be all lip. There wasn’t a Siberian snowball’s chance in hell this Sleeping Beauty would rouse from her sleep for that.

Strike two for the Russian men. Hmm. Maybe the sample here is biased because the majority of male art museum patrons are decidedly not the “he-man” type, but still. Some of the greatest rakes of all time have been artistes.

I noted sadly that there was security presence which might have repulsed my initial plan. I thought it would be cool to sign up, lean in and give the model some nice, wicked tongue while simultaneously lifting her gown and engaging in some concurrent invasive genital “alarm clocking.”

Open your eyes now, bitch!

  • Anna

    Russian men are strong, but they are more old fashioned and respectful than westerners. you sound like a sex addict misogynist without a soul.

    • Socially Extinct

      Anna, you’re a slut.

  • ski

    some choice selections from the article:

    Henryk Sienkiewicz is almost right when he says: “We Slavs have too much of that restless Aryan spirit in consequence of which neither our mind nor our heart has ever been perfect, has ever been balanced… And what strange, peculiar natures! The German students, for instance, drink, and this is not, in any shape or form, detrimental to their work, nor does it prevent them from becoming sober, practical men. But let a Slav acquire the habit, and he will drink himself into an early grave. A German will be a pessimist, will write volumes on the subject whether life is or is not mere despair, and will continue to drink, or bring up children, hoard money, water flowers, and sleep under thick covers. Under similar circumstances, the Slav will hang himself, or throw himself to the dogs, leading a wild life of dissipation and license and perish and choke in the mire into which he voluntarily sank. Indeed ours are strange natures–sincere, sensitive, sympathetic, and at the same time, fraudulent and actor-like.”

    A similar Slavic type is exemplified also in Artsybashev’s character of Jurii, who finally commits suicide simply because he cannot find a working theory of life. Count Tolstoy also tried to kill himself for the same reason, but when he finally made up his mind that the Christian system of ethics was correct, he had no peace until he had attempted to live in ever respect in accordance with those teachings.

    Yes, the Slavs do not know a middle course, and they bring resolution to a reductio ad absurdum.

    Renan rightly says that the mission of Turgenev was “Wholly that of the peacemaker […] What everywhere else caused discord became with him a principle of harmony. In his great bosom, contradictions united.” In this very power to assimilate, to unite and to harbor contradictions Turgenev stands as the personification of the Slavic personality


    [Merezhovsky speaking to the rest of Europe]:
    “Your genius is of the definite, ours of the infinite. You know how to stop yourself in time, to find a way round walls, or to return; we rush onward and break our heads. It is difficult to stop us. We do not go, we run; we do not run, we fly; we do not fly, we fall. You love the middle; we, the extremes. You are sober, we–drunken; you, reasonable; we–lawless. You guard your souls, we always seek to lose ours.”

    • Your Lowness

      Very interesting. A counteracting polarity residing within the same soul. I believe this can be witnessed in some of Kafka’s (one of my top 5 favorite authors) works.

  • ski

    This is an illustration of the Slavic tendency to go to extremes in either direction, and quite often in both directions simultaneously; thus sometimes creating a seeming paradox of dual, opposing, natures combined in one. The tough as nails ultra-masculine Russian man archetype is real, but so is the ultra-sensitive, super sentimental, submissive Russian man, and both of these archetypes may be equally true of the same person.

    Look for “The Russian Review, Volume 3” on google books, the article “The Psychology of the Slav,” on page 104 discusses this in section “f) Slavic Paradoxes or the Bent to Extremes.”

  • tom e cide

    Once again, you have confused your heart with your dick; then again, both are transactionless

    • Your Lowness

      You have to admit “alarm clocking” is the best euphemism ever for finger banging.

  • Your Lowness

    I’d fuck Pussy Riot single-handedly because their men obviously are afraid to do what needs to be done !

    • Please! You can’t do that unless you are drunk off your arse! You can barely do it with one.
      But the prowess of the Eastern European male is true. But, and this is the big but, it will NOT be displayed in public. Maybe a vestige from the old Soviet Union. But a lot of the prowess is in fact, legitimate rape to coin a phrase. So yeah, this was pretty wussy. But to be expected.

  • Actually, I thought that you were going to write about the greatest named band, evah.
    Pussy Riot.

    • Hey Mark, didja hear about the Code Pink demo in Washington, DC, where they dressed up like cunts?

      It’s true!

      See these pics, and right beside each one, a blog post about it, plus a video clip of the dancing cunts at the end of my post:


      • OMfrickinG! I had to stop watching that! Oh, don’t worry Code Pink gals. Because first, you would need to look far and wide (usually a bar around 2am) for ANY male heterosexual to do ANY of you. Hell, I think that they could turn a straight into a gay! Good Lord! Those HAD to be some of the ugliest “gals” I have seen in a long time.

        • I don’t mind #2 and #5, but the others are indeed ugly middle-aged cat lady / dyke harpies…