I know a very fat chick. Or I knew her. I haven’t known her long but she was at the long end of that obesity which sorta tells you that she had been fat most, if not all, her life. I just knew this. I’m super perceptive that way. I’m a sharp observer and I can read people well ahead of themselves and others. It’s a great skill, but…it’s also a curse because it does nothing for me because I still lack the wisdom to put this fantastic knowledge to use. It’s like being given the only copy of a decryption key but…you’re illiterate.
I read people. Some of us see dead people. I see live people. I know instinctively know what they are like, but I lack the ability to put this it into words or usable concepts. It’s like those people who have the inability to recognize faces. I feel my gift is similar. I have the ability to read faces and mannerisms which in itself is a peculiar skill that sets me apart, yet, I also lack the human knowledge to apply this skill to real world use. It’s frustrating. I am aware of people in non-verbal, idiotic blundering ways which helps no one, least of all myself.
It’s terrible being a social miscreant.
I’m able to exert confidence but it’s not because I’m confident. It’s because I’m apathetic, and a remorseless nihilist. If you can truly integrate apathy and nihilism into your persona, the world is your oyster. No one can bring you down.
In this respect, I’ve prospered as the worst sort of social outcast because I coexist well with those who lead normal social existences. But it’s not because I’m adept at the Art of Society. It is because I care so little about it, that I care so little to shine in it, that I am able to somewhat nudge my way into this vindictive society of normal people. My shortcomings are clearly exposed when I am thrust in with a bunch of strangers because that’s when I lose my footing. Especially at work. I’m obligated in a way to rise to the occasion but my flaccid social skills cannot be propped up by apathy because I’m imprisoned within the institutional confines and I revert to that old childhood parent/child dynamic and my voice is silenced.
Most social outcasts are hapless nerds who don’t know where to turn next to part with their skin. Some are oblivious and don’t care.
Some start misogynist blogs. LOL!
There are many routes the modern eschewed man can travel. He has many adventures by which to express his bitter disappointment in life and with the fact it turned out much different that his own personal fairy tales promised. Men believe in fairy tales, too. Especially 21st Century Man who never learned the fine art of pain and suffering. Luxury kills the man. The normal disappointment reaction is bitterness and anger. I choose to respond by fitting in at all costs. This is similar to the Asian dynamic. The modern Asian has done everything to fit in with the Anglo world and it’s become a neuropathy in itself.
In my case, I’ve tried to fit in by being raw opposition which is a strange -pathy in itself, I just can’t spell out the appropriate suffix.
I’ve not weakened, I’ve not turned silly or vindictive.
I’ve turned weird. Self-delusional.
I succumb to the demands of conformity while circumventing the nominal strategy.
I prefer to witness and know it this way, but I refuse to soil my hands.
But at the end of the day, one fact remains: I cannot join this circus. Days of ill-equipped conformity are exhausting. This is why marriage and union sap me.