A love letter to FBI Director James Comey in a lower key of encryption; if you can’t beat ’em, force them to open up their backdoor.

 

FBI Director James Comey once had fabulous plan that would have necessitated proactive, focused investigative work in order to deconstruct encryption standards with the ultimate aim of allowing intelligence agencies to dig up meat and potato confidential communications the old-fashioned way: through hard work and tireless hours and painstaking analysis.

 

Apparently the task has proven too formidable, for now Comey is defaulting to the modern tried and true method of fascist corporate elitist totalitarian laziness…wherein he acknowledges the task of decryption has proven too troublesome, especially when the avenue of procuring corporate cooperation at the expense of all customer privacy and consumer rights, presents a simpler, more dependable route. No corporation will turn down this flagrant plea on the part of the top law and order man in the nation.

 

In fact, James Comey is now ordering tech firms in the encryption business to “rethink their business model.” It’s an offer they can’t refuse and Comey is suggesting nicely, for now.

 

 

FBI director James Comey is making tech firms that offer end-to-end encryption tools an offer they can’t refuse: they should reconsider “their business model,” he said today, and instead adopt encryption techniques that let them intercept communications, and hand them over to law enforcement when asked.

 

 

Also on Wednesday, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) echoed the call to mandate backdoors in crypto.

 

 

“If there is a conspiracy going on” among terrorists who use crypto, “that encryption ought to be able to be pierced,” said Feinstein, vice chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee.

 

 

No surprise there.

 

 

Our most devout California big-government nanny-hag, Diane Feinstein, is not about to let this chance to stick her nose in the affairs of American privacy slip through her fingers.

 

 

The “boingboing” piece cites a passage from The Intercept that essentially details the unraveling of Comey’s grand journey from cyber-ignorance to cyber-totalitarianism.

 

 

 

Comey had previously argued that tech companies could somehow come up with a “solution” that allowed for government access but didn’t weaken security. Tech experts called this a “magic pony” and mocked him for his naivete.

 

 

Now, Comey said at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing Wednesday morning, extensive conversations with tech companies have persuaded him that “it’s not a technical issue.”

 

 

“It is a business model question,” he said. “The question we have to ask is: Should they change their business model?

 

 

Yes, it’s not a technical issue because the FBI lacks the guts and perseverance to do the hard, investigative work; so let’s defer to extorting corporations and technology companies into opening up backdoor cheats that will save the FBI the embarrassment of admitting they can’t outsmart the encryption experts.

 

Hey, Director Comey, I wrote you a love letter. I expressed how I truly feel about you from the bottom of my adoring heart.

 

 

 

Comey encrypted file.

 

 

I called it “James Comey encrypted letter” and I do wish you could read it.

 

 

You’ll need to get your goons to do it the old-fashioned way, though, because you’ll get no backdoor hand-holding from me.

 

 

 

 

Comey encryption

 

 

 

Maybe Dianne Feinstein, that duplicitous, meddlesome wench, is next.