The ultimate life conservation.

Please don’t judge me for being a regular reader of Buzzfeed.

It’s like the old days when Playboy still printed nudes. I really enjoyed the articles and short stories and no matter how much I tried (in fact, the more I tried) to explain this, the more persistently people nodded smugly. Same with Buzzfeed.

I enjoy its lists and photos…

Its smarmy, lefty, socially-conscious politics…not so much.. Buzzfeed has no middle ground. Everyone there is some faceless coastal egalitarian elite who believes the world is a nice, warm, cozy place, pajama suits and all.

Buzzfeed is in my news aggregator and occasionally a headline catches my eye. As I said, they do have good lists, a lot of them dealing with introversion, skinniness, shortness; BS I can call my own.

Earlier, I saw this:


I had to start reading it, of course, but before I finished the first bullet point, I was struck by something.

Fuck this!

Of course, college sucks the life out of you. Duh!

But you know what? Everything sucks the life out of you!

“Living” sucks the life out of you. Every single miserable day spent walking this planet, dealing with all the rude, smelly, disgusting, loud, vile, vulgar cretins that call themselves “humanity” sucks the life out of you.

My office mate at work sucks the life out of me. Loud, annoying, incessantly obnoxious, anxious people, everywhere. On the train today. This Hispanic dude sat down across the way. He slammed his backpack on the seat, water, disinfectant, coffee, just a busy goddamned display of everything, smart phone included. He could not sit still for a minute. He wore sunglasses, then lifted them above his hairline and he kept fidgeting, looking up and down the aisle, checking something out, looking, shifting, looking in my direction. I don’t look at anyone, ever, especially on public transportation. I listen to my music, and if I’m reading something interesting, I read (right now, I’m reading something that hasn’t absorbed my interest, so I’m not reading much), I just sit like a rock. I recognize no one, react to no one, I am a total autist on that fucking train. But homey this morning would not stop moving and it pissed the fuck out of me.

He drained my life. Exponentially so. I aged at least 3 hours in 45 minutes

Everything sucks the life out of you. College, family, work, freeways, train riders, loud children, nervous people, Donald Trump, traffic jams, anal people, Asian drivers, Black kids with pants below their hips, White people in Crocs, everyone.

Give me a nice, uninhabited clearing in a forest.

Ultimate life conservation!

Donald Trump is such a self-involved dork (LOLZ)

Sorry Donny, but not all your supporters are barely-legal cum-stained underwear-wearing Gen Z’ers.

I remember the turn of the century quite well. You know what? Y2K and all that ridiculousness.

A lot of people knew Osama bin Laden was trouble. You weren’t (and aren’t) that special.

Keep your future constituents in mind. We’re not that gullible.
Win us with facts, not bullshit. And you’re full of bullshit. Let’s see what else you got.

I will officially support Donald Trump*, and this is why.


I’ve never had the most flattering things to say about Donald Trump. In fact, I’ve had choice words for his ruffian, anti-intellectualism and soulless lack of character.


And none of this has changed, but, I am announcing, reticently, that I will support Donald Trump in his bid for President of the United States in the 2016 election.


I will support Donald Trump, the political rabble-rouser.


I will support that Godforsaken hair mop and the incessant trigger-happy stream of schoolyard provocation that pours out his mouth insofar as it clears out the staid, immutable political quagmire that has become American politics.


I support Donald Trump, the catalyst to action and awareness on the part of those so blind, they don’t know of the other world we, their humble constituents, live in. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that any action is better than none.


I do not support Donald Trump, the person, the politician, the P.T. Barnum lowest-common-denominator entertainer. I do not support the superficial, sloganeering, materialistic hedonist. I do not support the hot-aired figurehead and pop culture utilitarian whore and psychological manipulator whose only bottom line is Donald Trump and his nausea-inducing bling persona.


American politics has become a disjointed morass of Establishment perpetuation and PR timidity and blandness. Conformity suffocates innovation, the trailblazing spirit that sustained and gave rise to the early days of our republic. Modern American politics is populated and driven by blank-eyed talking heads devoid of spirit and character and courage, and most of all, devoid of originality and individualism.


What the hell is America if you don’t have leaders capable of such character?


The American political world is a repressed, elitist swarm of insulated symbols in smart suits who do the bidding of the 1%-ers which involves implementing and supporting policy largely adverse to the well-being of most Americans. American politicians smile at us, beg for our allegiance, but feel absolutely no compunction about selling our dignity and sovereignty down the river once the bankers and corporate elites come knocking and demanding inequality for the sake of superficial egalitarianism.


Donald Trump is a billionaire showman who, innately, is no different. I expect nothing to change, in terms of federal policy, but I do expect that, should he become POTUS, there will be a sea change of alterations of the cloistered political mentality that subsumes the hallways of Washington D.C. In familiar parlance, his chaotic, ghetto presence (and Donald Trump is the ultimate ghetto politician) will “stir up things” in the national capitol and perhaps, this is a good thing.


My support of Donald Trump will be restrained and barely perceptible.


I will not be one of those sloganeering armchair cultists who never, from the narrow hallways of their cerebrum, seem to tire of repeating, “Can’t Stump The Trump,” or worse yet, “Make America Great Again.” I’m pulling for Trump the disruptor, Trump the tool of disorder, the drunken party-crasher who clears out the room and overturns the social rules of engagement in a culture that has long followed its own social rules to the detriment of average Americans.


That said, I will continue, gladly and gleefully, to mock Donald Trump for all his egregious displays of cringeworthy boorishness. And I expect there will be many more of my dreadful photoshopped representations coming down the pike.


After all, Donald Trump is still…Donald Trump.


*I’m sure my support means so much to Donald. Or at the very least, he is mortified by the thought.