Hollywood’s amazing Movie Studio Formula SoftServe machine!

I strongly dislike the movies of Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock. I’ll stop short of saying I dislike them. I don’t know them personally and I don’t believe in living as if distant celebrities have any direct bearing on my life. They don’t. They are lifeless puppets on my screen. Tom and Sandra don’t know me, don’t care about me, and vice versa. Still, I HATE their movies. Their movies are trash. Garbage.

Of the two, Tom Hanks is the more intolerable because of his smug undeserved attitude. One gets the sense he actually believes he is contributing depth to the outhouse called Hollywood cinema. It seems he truly believes his lie…that his movies are good. That they stand on their own and owe absolutely nothing to the unthinking mass fervor that drives hordes of 95-IQ’d public to lavish such idiot’s praise on his “body of work.” Run, Tom, run. Keep running and stop making movies and acting in them. You are not that awesome. Even From The Earth To The Moon was a putrid pile of celluloid refuse. Dude, your movies are redolent of sophomoric, formulaic tedium which rehashes the godly idiot motif so much that I think maybe that is your target audience. Certainly the godly idiot is the baseline audience that would optimally appreciate your product which you seem to release constantly. Do you ever rest? Those in the “know” tell us your movies are great. And the public just eats it up, don’t they? They don’t question just how boring and bland Sleepless in Seattle or Philadelphia or Saving Private Ryan or…oh God, I need to stop. I feel like I’m sticking a finger down my throat each time I think of your masterpieces.

Sandra Bullock, ah, now she makes crap too, but she is much more tolerable simply because she is such a sweetie with a heart of gold and tits to match. Sandra Bullock seems a little friendlier and perhaps even a tad more humble than Prince Hanks. How can an annoying actress not redeem herself by wearing tight skirts and waving her delicious ass at the Saintly Black Beast co-star (another Hanks motif)? Actually, Bullock counteracts much of her nauseating Hollywood legacy simply due to the fact much of the painful acting and writing in her flicks is offset by the dazzling display of her curves and luscious skin. If Sandra Bullock would do a nude scene, I would brave the most annoying nighttime movie crowds and suicide-inducing parking just to see that. And I would pay top dollar. Alas, Bullock is too “respectable” and instead gobbles up trite and rehashed roles that were spit out by the big Movie Studio Formula SoftServe Machine. Her stuff lacks meat. The Blind Side was one of the most intolerable piles of 50-BMI’d Negro lard I have never seen. Why this movie was lauded while Precious was ignored will forever be stain upon the once hopeful expectations I ever had that Hollywood might one day do something right at Awards time. Precious was hard and it was great. A movie like that has no room for Sandra Bullock, Hollywood’s favorite fluff queen. But her hips and her lips make me forget the piece of crap she is currently plaguing me with at any moment.

So this Movie Studio Forumula SoftServe Machine I mentioned? It’s been busy, as always, serving up agonizing pop culture crap, and now it is tormenting me once again because one if its lamest offerings is now getting hyped and managed to be entered into the annual grind of Academy nominees. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is the most predictable syrupy mush Hollywood could squirt out thanks to its Movie Studio Forumula SoftServe Machine. The machine appears to have done well. Its name roused cheers when it was announced as a best movie nominee the other morning. It’s got the buzz and everyone wants to see it. I refuse.

I will not see a movie regurgitated from the Studio cogs and built around two of my least favorite actors. Today I told someone that whereas I might actually see War Horse once it’s availble on Netflix (ie, I don’t have to pay extra to see it), I also declared I would never, ever, make time to see Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, even for free. No way. I can be convinced to “waste” my time for some rather meaningless activities, but only because they are “wastes” of time. They are a window of time that I could have been doing something else, perhaps. However, a movie like Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is beyond a simple “waste of time.” It is thief of time. This is the type of movie I won’t see because instead of merely wasting my time, it literally saps my time, it feeds on my energy and life. Rather than create a void in my day, it molds into the fabric of my spacetime and removes an elemental segment of my reality that I can never reclaim. This movie would be harmful for me to see!

Besides, Moneyball or The Descendants deserve this prize.