Ten things about me (oh, and my Biblical failures)

And now for something completely different.

My grocery-pushing blogbud, Paul Wynn, over at Mostly Grocery laid the tag on me.

It’s like a bloggy form of chain mail but better because it’s customizable. You can work it into your own blog format however you see fit. Just tell us about yourself. In fact, tell us 10 things about yourself.

I checked out Paul’s and as I linked back in time through various lists, I discovered a promising recipe for a tasty-looking Shrimp Udon soup. See, there is real productivity.

Before I commence with my Biblical disasters, I want to link back to a couple of blogs I’ve read and am choosing to draw into this amusement because of their mysterious blogger vibe.

Will they choose to follow up with 10 personal facts? I chose these blogs because their persona is murky and sorta oblique. Maybe they consciously chose this vibe, in which case they will probably resist my exercise. But here goes:

Random Acts of Kindness This bloggerina has only been blogging about a month or two and she has begun agonizing publicly about the direction and aimlessness of her blog. Sweetheart, join the club! This chick has a good mind and a good heart, check out her thoughts.

UGH, I HATE THE LIRR, ER, LIE This blogger is fascinating. The blog name once ended at “LIRR” (Long Island Rail Road). The chap reported daily on his rail commute. In painstaking detail. Great stuff! Sounds dry, but I suggest you read him. He expounds on the mudane and takes the art of the “journal” to new heights. In addition, he describes his daily gym routine after each commuting description. The dude pushes some awesome iron numbers. Recently, he changed careers and now he has added “LIE (Long Island Expressway)” since he now drives to work.

And now, me. (Paul you didn’t think I would be normal, did you?)

Ten things about me seen from the perspective of Moses’ tablets:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me
It was difficult enough to convince me to believe and worship a Christian god when I was young…good luck with any other. Some people might say I worship myself. I would if it didn’t require so much devotion.
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image (of God)
This is a moot point. But if I was religious, I think it would be very phony and lazy of me not to go to church and pray while claiming that I talked to God only when I wanted. I think I touched upon this commandment in my post about lazy religionists.
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain
Oh Lord, all I ever do is Goddamned cuss. Read this blog.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God.
In my drinking heyday, Sunday was my day of alcoholic self-decimation. I still don’t know why Sunday was such a draw. Some of my most lunatic binges occurred on the Seventh Day.
5. Honor your father and your mother
I pass. For a son that is. I’ve often heard parents say that they long for a daughter because a daughter repays her gratitude to their sacrifice with her time and care whereas a son vanishes. Is this true? Who knows. I know I did vanish. Actually, no, I didn’t vanish, I stuck around and caused them immeasurable grief. And I think I still do in some ways. I have much repayment (karma) coming my way. Already my son has opened up a Karma account on me.
6. You shall not murder
Nope, never. Although, as I hashed this commandment out, it did give me an idea for a post which I shall start this week. A new category. Haven’t thought of a name yet…
7. You shall not commit adultery
Hey, how ’bout them Dodgers? Uhm yeah, guilty. Stay tuned for the gruesome non-details. Let’s just say that “Phoenixism” would just be a strange, nonsensical word instead of a strange, nonsensical blog…
8. You shall not steal
Goddamned klepto. I went through a stage, when I was about 5-8, where I stole, shoplifted and slyly grabbed all kinds of shit just because it was fun. I’m rather over that now. The other day I saw a one dollar bill in the street, thought about it, and continued on my way. I’m a man of the earth, I don’t need it all. Hmmm…if it was a Five, I might have grabbed it.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
There is another commandment that suffered severely at my prepubescent hands. Now? I rarely lie. I take pride in the fact that I say what’s on my mind. I still lie by omission more often than I’d like. Is lying by omission still bad?
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house
Ah I love the 10th commandment! Fucking envy. I’m over that. Envy requires that you want stuff. Just stuff, all stuff. And I don’t care to own stuff. I have all the stuff I need. I have not bought a new big ticket item for myself in 5 years. My computers are breaking down, slowly dying agonizing digital deaths and I have perfected the art of the re-boot. I refuse to buy new shit. New stuff. My car is 12-years old and has no radio. I’m happy with it and I change the oil occasionally. Last year it was the timing belt. What more do I need? I don’t covet shit, and if I did I would just buy it.