I entertained an abbreviated misfortune this weekend.
It could have been worse. I could have been forced to sit through the entirety of Hallmark’s tedious Operation Cupcake, starring former pretty boy heartthrob, Dean Cain, of the 90′s chickdrama, Lois And Clark.
In this respect, it could have been worse, but I should not spend much time shooting holes in the typical Hallmark whitewashed, bland offering that only serves to fill an afternoon and soothe a frayed sense of modern female disembodiment. Nah, I won’t spend time talking about how bad this movie is. This movie belongs to that singular genre of tired small screen vapid drama so utterly bad that discussing its lack of artistry is akin to shooting fish in a pitcher of Brita filtered water.
The movie is bad, but who doesn’t know this, even those who like this type of thing?
Dean Cain stars as a military Colonel who is home for leave from his overseas station while his superiors decide whether to promote him to General. His return home is fraught with anguish and torment because the civilian life he encounters is nothing like what he was prepared for after serving so many years in the harsh military. His wife owns a bakery, and she is opening a second as the movie begins. Cain’s character, Griff Carson (yes, that is the name the writers blew out their collective uncreative asses), finds the new home and its insular family life a difficult fit. He is an interloper in the pussy-footed, feminized civilian world of foodies and baked goods.
Trashy plot aside, what struck me most was the presentation of Griff Carson and all the incongruencies that his televised character displayed. Much of Carson’s character is a deterrent textbook that men should watch carefully while assiduously jotting notes.
Dean Cain is asked to assume the macho role of a lifetime soldier and all the curt stoicism, no-nonsense gruffness that comes with it. Dean Cain fattened (bulked) up, apparently. His face expanded precipitously and it seems he hit the weights. His face lost any sense of chiseled masculinity, but somewhere behind those fleshy mounds, he maintained those pretty boy looks from 20 years ago. He has muscled up and in terms of physique, anyone could accept he might be a military man. No problem with this leap of faith…
…until we hear and watch Dean Cain (aka, Griff) in action.
This lumbering macho Army man suddenly becomes a restrained, repressed and over-civilized choppy Eurasian man. To watch Dean Cain sadly assume the role of a masculine man is to finally realize that a man’s bearing is truly his path to pussy riches or cock neediness. In Cain’s case, I can’t imagine it is anything but cock neediness. In fact, his personal life seems fraught with non-relationships lacking notable or praiseworthy acclaim for a man of his aesthetic gifts. In other words, if I had this dude’s looks, I would be getting laid 365 days a year by 365 different women, and perhaps, if I was feeling benevolent, I might let one of them slip in twice to account for leap years. This guy should not have a problem creating a steady stream of sexual buzz.
Alas, theres seems to be little buzz aside from suicidal country singers and cast off beauty pageant contestants. This is no surprise.
Listen to the man comport himself in this “Operation Cupcake” promo. Mind you, this is the career soldier who is trained to face down death, right?
His mannerisms and speech betray the fact that Cain has no masculine bone in his body. He is a pretty boy who never learned to be dirty and rough and his lineage probably contributed strongly to producing a pampered, sensitive boy who never learned to project his manhood. There are a few clips in this promo that spotlight the utter lack of rakishness this really good-looking guy is afflicted with, and hence his dearth of manly rambunctiousness.
He speaks and acts like a man who must behave, a man who is worried about appearing too strong. Pretty face, no balls.
Men, the take away: MAN is shaped and expanded by his fearlessness, not by his sparkling eyes.